'I'm a f-cking corpse' (yes, that could make you a necrophiliac)

'you're fucking a corpse.'    
I murmured post climax.  
*pant* "What?    
What was that?" *pant*    
'...nothing...let's lay for a bit.'    
"mmmmm yeah, that sounds...."    
She turned on her side and fell asleep.    
I got up and disposed of the condom.    
Looking in the bathroom mirror I thought    
'you really don't feel anything for her do you?'    
I washed my face and my hands.    
My only worry was if I smelled like cigarettes.    
She had told me to quit.    
If she noticed...    
But long distance relationships don't work like that.    
and neither does a 17 year old brain.    
    
'You're not fucking a corpse'    
I thought as we brought it home.    
I learned to keep this thought to myself by 22.    
I won't go into how I learned that lesson.    
She handed me a cigarette after she loosened up her grasp.    
I lit it up, puffed, and handed it back.    
They were Marlbs.    
I took a pull from the wine jug.    
We traded.    
I do as I do and stared at your ceiling fan.    
this isn't how its supposed to be...we're just using each other    
"You have that look on your face."    
'hm?'    
"You're not going to tell me are you?"    
I smirked.    
i have to keep some things secret you know    
*sigh* twirling her index finger towards my nose,    
"It's gonna get to you one of these days."    
'not quite yet.'    
"It's going to hurt."    
'not yet.'    
She smushed my nose and laughed.    
   
I've been f-cking a corpse.    
I kept repeating myself over and over again through my mid 20s.    
Emotionless. Void.    
I gave up even trying to find....anything resembling care.    
I never loved her.    
I stopped f-cking a corpse.    
   
'You're f-cking a corpse.    
How are you f-cking a corpse?    
How?'    
Ran through my fog thickened mind at the end.    
'How are you still here?    
Can't you see im dying?    
How don't you despise me?'    
Even with you at lead,    
I kept trying my hardest to not throw up.    
Even with the 8? medications running through my body...    
I was still so frail.    
I can't forget that last intimate moment    
being my saddest climax.    
I couldn't handle my humility.    
I just wanted it all to stop.    
"It's going to hurt."  
and i'm not even sure what you got out of it.    
...    
And now i'm here,    
looking for anything    
resembling....    
...    
..    
...    
I dont really know...    
...    
..    
...    
..    
...    
some sort of closure...    
...    
yeah...    
Closure sounds nice.