deepundergroundpoetry.com
The obverse view
Groups, Hammond organ sings
prelude the vocal,
as we wait, his embolism hymn
the breath abait
Anticipate the obverse side
climax after climax come.
A legacy bequeathed
hieroglyph's to sing alone
Storm clouds never part
gold comes, from the abandoned mine
the uncut diamond
four string base, distorted hum
Scribblings from your lover's wake
a heart laid out that; Dies in State
To climb and fall
seek the North West Passage
the crushing Ice upon the hull
never vengeful, never dull
Barefoot emotions
the bitter sweet
the ferryman that ever waits
a microphone that elevates
Hades breached without a HASMAT suit
poke the devil with a lyric
luck for the dystopian; it hides
carry the coin, with two obverse sides
Take no blood into
The Little Shop of Horrors,
to feed your soul and be devoured
a periscope from out the deep
Jim Morrison, the kosher darkness gleams
you see the shark's grey ghosts
The black eye's fixed
omens, seeds of thanks
A pleasure to swim, together in that tank
prelude the vocal,
as we wait, his embolism hymn
the breath abait
Anticipate the obverse side
climax after climax come.
A legacy bequeathed
hieroglyph's to sing alone
Storm clouds never part
gold comes, from the abandoned mine
the uncut diamond
four string base, distorted hum
Scribblings from your lover's wake
a heart laid out that; Dies in State
To climb and fall
seek the North West Passage
the crushing Ice upon the hull
never vengeful, never dull
Barefoot emotions
the bitter sweet
the ferryman that ever waits
a microphone that elevates
Hades breached without a HASMAT suit
poke the devil with a lyric
luck for the dystopian; it hides
carry the coin, with two obverse sides
Take no blood into
The Little Shop of Horrors,
to feed your soul and be devoured
a periscope from out the deep
Jim Morrison, the kosher darkness gleams
you see the shark's grey ghosts
The black eye's fixed
omens, seeds of thanks
A pleasure to swim, together in that tank
Published 27th Mar 2021
Author's Note
Tribute to Jim Morrison
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Mar 2021 4:31pm
This is a great tribute to Morrison, Slip. A very worthy competition contender. You seem to have captured how he affected the audience through very powerful metaphor.
To honor your request for honest critique, I have a few notes you might want to use as guidance:
• Scribblings from your lover[ ' ]s wake
( Remember your possessives )
• a heart laid out to; Die in State
The above two semicolons are not being used properly. A semicolon connects two independent clauses. The preposition 'to' is used to indicate the relationship of a verb with its complement; thus, laid out to die in state would be the proper use. However, I do understand what you are attempting to say; therefore, I have rethought the line so that it may correctly reflect exactly what it is you are attempting to convey:
Scribblings from your lover's wake
a heart laid out: D[ead] in State
If you adjust the tense of Die to Dead, you would create a very nice half-rhyme between it and laid/wake/state.
• into; The Little Shop of Horrors,
Again, this is an improper use of a semicolon. Into is an adverb denoting toward or inside. The semicolon use here is improper in that it interferes with what the preposition is moving toward. Again, though, I do understand what you are attempting to say, so have reworded for your review:
Take no blood into
The Little Shop of Horrors,
• you see the ghost's of sharks.
Lastly, a noun is only possessive when it owns or is a member of something. In this instance, ghosts neither owns nor is a member of 'of'. You could either remove the possessive apostrophe from ghosts; or, you could rewrite as such:
you see the shark's ghosts
See how sharks is now a part of ghosts?
Slip, overall your writing has taken an absolutely remarkable turn toward excellence! Out of your entire submissions, I am barely finding a few things to suggest. That is remarkable compared to when you first started writing. Also, your imagery is superb, your metaphors are astounding, and your overall vision for each of your poems is one of mature wisdom that comes from a seasoned writer.
Well done.
To honor your request for honest critique, I have a few notes you might want to use as guidance:
• Scribblings from your lover[ ' ]s wake
( Remember your possessives )
• a heart laid out to; Die in State
The above two semicolons are not being used properly. A semicolon connects two independent clauses. The preposition 'to' is used to indicate the relationship of a verb with its complement; thus, laid out to die in state would be the proper use. However, I do understand what you are attempting to say; therefore, I have rethought the line so that it may correctly reflect exactly what it is you are attempting to convey:
Scribblings from your lover's wake
a heart laid out: D[ead] in State
If you adjust the tense of Die to Dead, you would create a very nice half-rhyme between it and laid/wake/state.
• into; The Little Shop of Horrors,
Again, this is an improper use of a semicolon. Into is an adverb denoting toward or inside. The semicolon use here is improper in that it interferes with what the preposition is moving toward. Again, though, I do understand what you are attempting to say, so have reworded for your review:
Take no blood into
The Little Shop of Horrors,
• you see the ghost's of sharks.
Lastly, a noun is only possessive when it owns or is a member of something. In this instance, ghosts neither owns nor is a member of 'of'. You could either remove the possessive apostrophe from ghosts; or, you could rewrite as such:
you see the shark's ghosts
See how sharks is now a part of ghosts?
Slip, overall your writing has taken an absolutely remarkable turn toward excellence! Out of your entire submissions, I am barely finding a few things to suggest. That is remarkable compared to when you first started writing. Also, your imagery is superb, your metaphors are astounding, and your overall vision for each of your poems is one of mature wisdom that comes from a seasoned writer.
Well done.
27th Mar 2021 10:23pm
fingers crossed for the comp I expect some talented poets have yet to post ? Corrections and rewriting done. I will sign up for the NaPoWriMo if its still open (something I never expected to write)
29th Mar 2021 1:55pm
