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As I Am

I generally have a weird memory. I tend to forget things easily then out of the blue remember something even details which people overlook. It's like unless I need it, I don't remember it. Unlike people who remember everything all the time.
 
However one thing has stuck around with me. I don't remember the full conversation but I remember my mother blurting 'Just stop being anti-social'.
 
I was in my early years of high school but the words stuck around.
 
Then there's my father, to use a high school analogy, he is a 'cool kid'. In fact he was very popular in school. I on the other hand, with the lack of a better word, am a geek. My father and I get along but he also once ran out of words in the middle of a sentence  
 
'You're just.... You know'
 
Well I don't know since the middle part wasn't expressed. I think for him having a son made him assume we'd do everything the same but the only thing we can talk about are concepts and philosophy.  
 
I've never had a big circle around me, in fact crowds make me feel uncomfortable. I can speak in front of one perfectly in fact I love it but to have to interact with a lot of them personally.
 
Then there are new people with whom, the conversations start off weird. "So which team do you support?"
 
"Well I don't watch much sport, I played a lot of it but I'm not a fan of watching" - To which I get weird looks.
 
I hate talking about achievements because it's as if I'm overshadowing others in their moment of glory. I've been called an over achiever, whereas I see myself as just curious. I need to see if I can do something or if I like a topic I want to know as much as I can on it.  
 
So I have friends that I value but they also don't live close by. With them I never have to worry about speaking about the weather to break the ice. I've found a lot of them are older than me, so it doesn't matter to them what I'm doing as they've already gone through it. It isn't unnecessary competition, just me as I am.
 
However I do also realise that I am hard to understand. I can be the most quiet person in the room or I can speak the most. I'm best when I'm working but not so good at working a room.  
 
So when you come from a culture of everyone needing to be in each other's spaces all the time. Being a bit of a loner does give you strange looks, creates hilarious rumours. Yet this is me as I am.
 
I don't know how many times I've had to explain that being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy.
 
I don't know how many times I've met someone and realized: what I'm saying is going over their head.
 
I don't think I'm better than anyone but I stand out more than I'd like to. I'm not popular but everyone knows me because of how 'different' I am.
 
Yes despite all of this I can't imagine myself being any other way. At times I feel like an outcast but I also know that I can play at a higher level.  
 
I wasn't a rebellious child but the relationship with my parents is a work in progress. It's not easy raising a 'smart' child, it's like all your life lessons just don't work. You can't ask your friends because yes every child is different but an outlier is even more tricky.
 
I know that I am loved but it would be nice to be understood.  
 
This is me as I am
Written by Simon_III_Msibi (Mandla Msibi)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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