dear, 17

17 years
or 6,210 days  
or 149,040 hours  
or 8,941,136 minutes  
or 536,457,600 seconds  
  
that's how long i've lived  
and how long i’ve been on this earth  
i'm officially 17  
   
numerically speaking--  
that's a long-ass time  
realistically,  i blinked and it happened  
a flash, and here i am  
i know i have many years ahead  
and many sleepless nights in my bed  
but i feel so incredibly old  
   
what feels like  
2 seconds ago i was going into high school  
and before that middle school  
and even before that i was in elementary school  
at some point i was most pure and innocent being  
a fetus, resting in my mother's stomach  
   
i've always yearned to grow older  
but now i wish i could invent time travel    
to go back  
   
i’m grown up  
    
i know how to stay out of immature conflict  
and how to decide who’s a true friend  
i can read a whole book in one sitting  
or write an essay i'm actually proud of  
i can drive without my parents  
and stay out past midnight  
   
and yet,    
at seventeen    
i'm the unhappiest i've ever been  
   
because  
   
things have just gotten more complicated with age  
   
although i've collected immense wisdom in my 17 years  
i still feel like the helpless kid i used to be  
   
i guess my biggest concern  
is that with my maturity beyond my years  
i've developed problems beyond my years  
   
i now see my parents flaws  
and recognize my own as well  
   
yes i'm still a teenager, but somehow i have  
   
 a damaged view of love  
 depression  
 overwhelming addictions  
 people pleasing issues  
 a need for constant validation  
constant pressure to make my parents happy  
 and anorexia and self-harming tendencies  
   
along with a plethora of the other unusual issues i have that most seventeen-year-olds    
would simply ignore  
   
i have peter pan syndrome  
i don't want to apply to colleges  
i want my parents to drive me everywhere again  
i want to be oblivious to criticism and hate  
i want a strict curfew again  
i want the feeling of ignorance that is bliss  
and i wish to get rid of my overwhelming empathy  
   
 it's a double-edged sword--    
 my life  
   
 i'm wise but somehow so naive  
 i'm privileged but unhappy  
 i'm smart but too much for my own good  
 i'm kind but people step all over me  
 i'm aware but i can't get out of my own head  
   
 everything in my life is messy  
 and somehow it's going to take me more than  
   
17 years  
6,210 days  
149,040 hours  
8,941,136 minutes  
and 536,457,600 seconds  
   
to figure all of it out