Another break

I rather be blissfully ignorant most days, I can't shut my brain down and barely keep my mind off topics that mentally wound me, how can I? when every synapse is shocking me into compliance, the transmitters, the chemicals, the way damage becomes a snake around my thoughts, coiling them tightly like a knot on a noose fit so snug and so safely. intrusive and annoying, the most profound language that blankets me in these hectic times...has become silence...I pray for it right before it bites me and strangles me with my own words and actions.
A mirror defeat awaits me daily, I can't be myself when the enemy is mocking me with the same mask that I wear carefully, my every step...the poise becomes a shaking mess like a house cards bound for collapse...I don't want my death to be hushed glimpse of my madness,
I wish the days were like other's days, the mere inconvenience being my worst problem, or just normal day to day life events.
while I hermit myself, blow dark clouds until my brain decides the sky looks better with a purple hue and sun to display every crack I've made, helplessly throwing myself at every wall used to corner each version of me in a deteriorating self-defense...
I see every pattern in your words even when I don't want to, the rhythm and reason, the percent chance of the leaving gloom, I run on autopilot to each endeavor just to find safety in my bedroom, I don't want pity or feel I'm better than anyone, just tired of being okay just because you want me to, the drugs didn't work to better me, it just made everything turned down, I felt nothing and I'm not going to be a puppet without a thought I rather drown than ask for help...
the careful practice I use to maintain my composure is exhausting, I slipped today and mindlessly opened the gate to my agony, I guess I'm both a sadist and masochist. I felt the words come out and the memories followed, the repressed sorrow and hatred, a little envy...and I just let go, every trick of my trade failed, the thoughts that consumed me ravaged my emotions. I'm not a robot no... I think I'd like that though. Bitter speeches and kind words are unnecessary, I don't expect anything I just gather things better when I write...