finally free

I used to sleep on the edge of the bed
Desperately clinging to the side of my mattress
For the very presence of your body beside me in my bed was enough to keep me in a constant state of panic
You always fell asleep so quick,
So easily, so peacefully
Completely unaware of my fear,
Of my unrelenting restlessness
It took me hours to find enough peace in my chaos-ridden mind to begin to drift off
I feel though, as if I never truly slept in that bed next to you,
I just took a quick rest,
Just a little break whenever the night shift was slow enough to allow some small bit of healing,
and recovery
Before it was time to head back to the front lines at dawn
The daily battles between us became so exhausting,
I could sense my defense growing weaker each time.
I learned, devastatingly late, though,
That my best defense was no defense at all
Id been fighting a losing war from the very day I became yours
And when I tried to fight with fire
You did nothing but force more hot air back toward my feeble flames, causing the blaze to grow bigger, and bigger
Until it consumed us both,
Along with everything wed built
So I stopped fighting back
But it didnt change a thing
Sure, occasionally it meant less carnage,
less cleanup,
But as I sat there silently one day,
While you pulled every last weapon out against me,
trying your best to take me down,
I realized I had no desire to fight back
Because it didnt even hurt anymore
Id grown numb, so used to the pain
So I sat there staring at my hands while you sent your words flying like bullets at me
With such anger
such force
such intention
But instead of hitting me,
They bounced right off and ricocheted back to you, which only made you angrier
I sat there in awe, realizing the invisible forcefield protecting me must have been summoned by my silence.
After so many sleepless nights spent strategizing, Id finally found the secret to survival with you-
So I patiently waited it out
Until you started to realize you couldnt hurt me the same ways anymore
Youd exhausted almost all of your resources in your attempts, and I couldnt bear to see what would happen next, what would happen if you felt youd failed
I knew if I waited any longer to escape, Id end up dead
The journey out was treacherous,
I never knew where you could be lurking
But youd become so predictable I knew just what to do if I were to be caught
Somehow, I made it through
I made it home
And now I crawl into my bed alone every night
Positioning myself right in the middle
Knowing that this space is all mine
Im free to stretch
To move
To breathe
Im finally free to sleep
Theres a sense of safety in my solitude that Id always thought Id find in someone else
But now I know, without a doubt,
That my soul mate is myself
Author's Note
-an unsent letter to my abusive ex-

I plan to upload a spoken version eventually, but this will do for now
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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