Daddy’s Princess: Trigger Warning

You used to take me everywhere
Holding my hand with every step I would take
Daddys princess they’d call me
But who knew that would only last for a couple of seconds
The I love yous turned into screams
And the hugs turned into beatings
Dont you love me anymore, daddy?

I replay in my head the yells that came out of mom
As you both argued and she begged you to stop
She would believe your words just to make you happy
But I guess that wasnt enough for you was it?

When did you fall out of love?
More importantly when did you decide it was okay for you to turn love into hate
I used to look up to you
I used to favor you over mom
But thats before I realized I was just temporary.

I was 7 years old when you decided to leave
It was the happiest day of my life
I wasnt scared to come home anymore
I wasnt scared to make you upset
But when you left you failed to realize that you left mom in pieces
I was a child that didnt get to have a childhood
You robbed me of that
I had to help mom rebuild herself
I had to remind her that she was enough
I had to remind her that dying wasnt the answer
Instead of watching tv at that age I had to watch paramedics rush my mom to the hospital
They said she was clinically depressed and it was killing her
I had to grow up and fix the damage that you caused

Then I turned 18
I realized how much I hated you
You would only show up at certain times
But that was okay
I knew that I was stronger because of this
It hurt me of course
But I learned to rise from the ashes just like a Phoenix
I was looking for colleges to apply to but at the same time was worried about how my mom would go on when I wasn’t there
Thank you, dad.

Im now 21
I have really bad anxiety and some days are better than others
I had to go to therapy because of you
Sometimes the trauma that you caused still haunts me to this day
Can you believe that?
Do you remember when we went to toys r us and you bought me a new barbie diary?
I was so happy that day
I got to spend the day with my favorite guy
And I even got a new toy
What kid wouldnt be happy
You even took me out to eat at a nice little
restaurant
I felt so special

But not all good things last..
That same day I realized that you had hate inside your heart for me
That was the day I started to fear you
Because instead of being a father
You turned into my worst nightmare
Do you remember that day like I do?

That was the first day you beat me
I begged you to stop but you just kept going
Its as if you grew angrier with every hit you gave me
What did I do for you to hate me like this
Then we got home and you ripped my new diary apart
I spent the entire day in my room
I was terrified
I was scared to even look at you
My brain just kept analyzing what I did that day to deserve all of that
Was it my fault?
Did I do something wrong?
A few hours later you apologized and told me to not say anything
You also told me it would never happen again.
I told you it was okay because I still loved you.
 
And the truth is I do still love you
Despite everything that happened
Despite hearing you undermine my mom
Despite hearing you tell her that shes worthless
Despite everything
I still love you
And I forgive you
But I don’t forgive you for you
I forgive you for me

I just want you to know that i’m okay
And I want you to know that I am who I am because of you
My mother not only rose from this, but I have never seen her more powerful than she is right now
Truth is I feel sorry for you
Because you missed out on such an incredible woman
But maybe thats why you left
Because you were afraid that she was too good for you
And I promise you that this did not crush me
This only made me realize that I am worth so much more and so is she
Thank you for walking out on us
And thank you for not looking back.
I am me because you are you.
Thank you.