deepundergroundpoetry.com
Where light is lost
A place tucked safe
in the deepest valley
Snow covered tracks
lead the lost to see
The iced over lakes
distort my reflection
No sun is rising
Moon maps direction
A tideless stale land
Growthless of beauty
Soils rich in sorrow
No wind pays duty
In me, a haunt
Days gobbled by night
I sleep to return where
Shadow chases light
(Competition poem)
in the deepest valley
Snow covered tracks
lead the lost to see
The iced over lakes
distort my reflection
No sun is rising
Moon maps direction
A tideless stale land
Growthless of beauty
Soils rich in sorrow
No wind pays duty
In me, a haunt
Days gobbled by night
I sleep to return where
Shadow chases light
(Competition poem)
Published 8th Feb 2012
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8th Feb 2012 4:27pm
8th Feb 2012 7:02pm
Anonymous
8th Feb 2012 9:03pm
I'm not sure this line makes sense: "Growthless of beauty." Should it be something like "devoid of beauty"? If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about the rhyme and focus instead on giving the images more flow. At the moment they feel a bit clipped.
The last two lines are brilliant. I love the simple, haunted picture it evokes of the narrator falling asleep in shadow, as light rapidly disappears. The comma in the first line of that verse could be removed though.
Overall this has the elements of a really good poem. I like thinking about the exact nature of this landscape you've created, if it's all simply a metaphor for drifting into unconsciousness, or is intended on some level to be real. Please don't tell me which it is if you know; I prefer unsolved mysteries.
All my criticisms are JMHO. Thanks for the read.
The last two lines are brilliant. I love the simple, haunted picture it evokes of the narrator falling asleep in shadow, as light rapidly disappears. The comma in the first line of that verse could be removed though.
Overall this has the elements of a really good poem. I like thinking about the exact nature of this landscape you've created, if it's all simply a metaphor for drifting into unconsciousness, or is intended on some level to be real. Please don't tell me which it is if you know; I prefer unsolved mysteries.
All my criticisms are JMHO. Thanks for the read.
9th Feb 2012 8:10am
Yeah maybe, 'growthless' was a word i had thought about. I just wanted a word that connects with 'land' and 'soil'. I adopt a rhyming scheme too often into my poems i think, it limits creativity. Thanks for the advice and comment.
11th Feb 2012 3:19pm
Soils rich in sorrow
No wind pays duty --painted green with truth,keep going!
No wind pays duty --painted green with truth,keep going!
11th Feb 2012 3:30pm
Anonymous
19th Oct 2012 7:46am
Got a shiver from this one. Its possesses a unique beauty. An elegant piece.
19th Oct 2012 8:06am
