deepundergroundpoetry.com
The World You Want To Own
Alone, on an island, in the middle of the sea
Not a soul around, only person here is me
The world is strange, had to get away
People bullying everyone, just to get their way
You want a nation of people who think just like you?
Toting a Bible, wrapped in red, white, and blue
You want a nation we left in 1955
Before most our nation's citizen were alive
You want subservient women who know their place
And people of color that know their race
Facts and science just get in the way
Ancient dogma is where you want to play
In a swirl of color, people from everywhere
Dreaming of America, who just want to share
I see boats on the horizon, of others just like me
Others who want to be with us, yearning to be free
A realization, it's not me that needs an island
--it's you
Welcoming of people who think like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Feel free to spend the rest of your time alone
Not a soul around, only person here is me
The world is strange, had to get away
People bullying everyone, just to get their way
You want a nation of people who think just like you?
Toting a Bible, wrapped in red, white, and blue
You want a nation we left in 1955
Before most our nation's citizen were alive
You want subservient women who know their place
And people of color that know their race
Facts and science just get in the way
Ancient dogma is where you want to play
In a swirl of color, people from everywhere
Dreaming of America, who just want to share
I see boats on the horizon, of others just like me
Others who want to be with us, yearning to be free
A realization, it's not me that needs an island
--it's you
Welcoming of people who think like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Feel free to spend the rest of your time alone
Published 22nd Jan 2021
| Edited 24th Jan 2021
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Jan 2021 1:56pm
I missed your avatar, Tim.. nice seeing you. :)
This piece hits me exactly right, with agreement. Especially in light of the new hopeful feelings I now cherish since Jan 20th. No critique from me, this morning, only my thanks for a wonderful penned poem.
Have a good day,
🌹
xo
B
This piece hits me exactly right, with agreement. Especially in light of the new hopeful feelings I now cherish since Jan 20th. No critique from me, this morning, only my thanks for a wonderful penned poem.
Have a good day,
🌹
xo
B
22nd Jan 2021 2:01pm
Thanks. Spent some time helping someone and they totally drained me mentally. Haven't been in a poetic mood since, but I think I'm coming around. Glad you enjoyed the piece.
23rd Jan 2021 6:07pm
Good to see you posting again, Tim.
First, let me get a few minor critique points out of the way.
You don't need that contraction in that 2nd instance of "others" toward the end.
"A realization, it's not me that needs an island, it's you
You can fill it with people who feel just like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Then you can spend the rest of your time alone"
You have 5 instances of "you" that we can knock down to 3, while creating a pause for emphasis in this stanza. "just" isn't crucial, so I think you could leave it out. Here is one of many suggested rewrites you could try.
"A realization, it's not me that needs an island
---it's you!
Welcoming of people who think like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Feel free to spend the rest of your time alone"
Second, regardless, it's an excellent poem that stays on message will little extraneous wording.
First, let me get a few minor critique points out of the way.
You don't need that contraction in that 2nd instance of "others" toward the end.
"A realization, it's not me that needs an island, it's you
You can fill it with people who feel just like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Then you can spend the rest of your time alone"
You have 5 instances of "you" that we can knock down to 3, while creating a pause for emphasis in this stanza. "just" isn't crucial, so I think you could leave it out. Here is one of many suggested rewrites you could try.
"A realization, it's not me that needs an island
---it's you!
Welcoming of people who think like you do
And if that's truly the world you want to own
Feel free to spend the rest of your time alone"
Second, regardless, it's an excellent poem that stays on message will little extraneous wording.
I actually had already made a couple of those changes on my computer, though my wording was a little different, I like yours better. Like I said, I'll take all the help I can get..lol
I have taken note that you place a higher emphasis on the use of extraneous wording than I do.
I've found that some poets in here get a little carried away with removing words till their poems are almost unreadable to someone who isn't a poet.
Still, I need to watch that.
I have taken note that you place a higher emphasis on the use of extraneous wording than I do.
I've found that some poets in here get a little carried away with removing words till their poems are almost unreadable to someone who isn't a poet.
Still, I need to watch that.
24th Jan 2021 10:53am
My rule of thumb is less is more, except when using repetion to achieve a desired effect. That helps any intentional repetition stand out with more emphasis through the contrast.
When it comes to lengthy poems, you can't help but repeat certain words. But excessive wording on a lengthy poem runs the risk of putting the reader to sleep. Repetition can save the day by creating rhythm that helps propel the reader through.
It all depends on the situation.
When it comes to lengthy poems, you can't help but repeat certain words. But excessive wording on a lengthy poem runs the risk of putting the reader to sleep. Repetition can save the day by creating rhythm that helps propel the reader through.
It all depends on the situation.
