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Processing: Diary Collection - 1.21

I went to immortalise the woman
with thoughtful words  
some she deserved, with some heart  
some earth behind them     
almost made it before the third line      
where I dived off      
into tedious grievances      
family history  --    
to contrast was the goal    
but it just went on      
about my little brother      
my grandfather’s assholery      
my mom as a victim of her upbringing      
in the face of verbal assault      
on her young son      
my rage over it all    
how my grandmother      
had stood where I'd wanted to      
and how I was glad the man died first      
before I poisoned his peanut brittle    
     
was nothing of what she deserved      
selfish venting under a smog of grief      
bundling any possible negative experience      
relating to her      
[but not about her]      
into a parcel tied rough shut with the twine      
of my underlying guilt      
for not standing tough enough then      
for not being there now      
she was always the hero      
     
I did manage to transition      
into what we’d had in common      
how I was like her and proud to be      
her love of written word, her grace      
on both sides of winning      
her live-n-let-lives and      
treat-your-neighbors-as-yourselves      
ringing through my grown-up philosophy  
even after dropping then dragging      
my religion along      
like public shoe loo roll      
     
--      
     
I will write her with clarity      
ideally in a tone that grasps      
the force of gentle earth she was      
     
but today      
     
I want to sit quiet in her kitchen      
while she opens the letter I sent last week      
with the opener she keeps      
on the table in a stand      
watch her eyes squint hard, but happy      
going through photos I picked      
of the kids, for her      
I’d stick them up on her weird green fridge      
like she’d ask me to      
and we’d have hot chocolate      
over her 16th lifetime attempt      
to teach me this goddamned game of cards      
     
we would talk about how      
her operation went fine      
I would ask      
what she wants for her birthday soon      
she would tell me      
nothing
InNomine
Written by InNomine
Published | Edited 4th Feb 2021
Author's Note
Following the example of another poet here, I would like to stress that I will not take critiques personally, regardless of the personal nature of the poem, so have at it if you would and if you will
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5 reading list entries 3
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summultima anna_grin raconteur
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The author encourages honest critique.

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