Sorry

Disappointment, is an understatement !  
   
Devastated, is more like it but its apparent you wanted to elicit an emotive response and exploit my vulnerability as it’s become apparent you derive pleasure inflicting wounds upon my fragile psyche, and it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t guilty of wanting you in ways I’m not supposed to.    
   
I should've known better than to engage in a conversation that requires you to be impartial whilst deploying a lateral lens from your end as you could’ve spared us both from the headfuckery that’s unfolded.    
   
I’m still reeling from the realisation that we’re fucked; well and truly fucked in learning that you have no faith and hope left within you as you side with those masters who mastered the art of presenting us with their arses to tongue, even though we know it’s not right, deep down.    
   
It is not our role or function to appease the political masters when activating a response to a complex multifaceted crisis, irrespective of the fact that by default, human behaviour dictates and triggers a reactionary response when brokering a response to a crisis, and we both know better.    
   
Oft, it ends in further evidence being established that substantiates the publics perception, in that we don't know what the fuck we're doing half the time as we haven’t invested our time in pursuing the relevant legislative reform that triggers the necessary change to enable us to formulate responsible policy responses.    
   
You don’t have to take things so personal as I wasn’t blaming you, personally.    
   
I wanted to pull you closer and whisper into your ear that we’re the beneficiaries of many decades of inefficacy, and I’m struggling to understand why you’re feeling hurt when I call out to you to champion change whilst the tears that flow were pleading with you to do the right thing but you became defensive and combative and I understand that that’s your ego, nothing more, nothing less.    
   
Clearly, you went into combative mode as you felt I was attacking you, and holding you accountable for decades of shitfuckery that neither of us were engaged within, in terms of decision making.    
   
Its apparent I hurt you, and you hurt me too.    
   
I cried because those kids need people like you who can advocate for them as opposed to being represented by people who're incapable of acknowleding the psychological distress of children who need our help and support to change the already pre-determined pathways that are pathed by policy makers who need to be a little more innovative.    
   
I get it, you feel deeply hurt and betrayed by the way in which the dialogue flowed whilst seeking and asking for a change that aligns with a more common sense approach.    
   
I thought you were better than that. Maybe, I shouldn’t have, and therein lies the fault in my unexpected breakdown.    
   
I held a belief that you were different, and your words shattered my perception, which isn’t your fault as my expectations were formed upon what you’ve achieved to date but you seem comfortable resting upon your laurels, or maybe that’s just me and my unrealistic expectations knowing things need to change, and advocating for such.    
   
Change, that should’ve happened yesterday.    
   
When I speak about systemic failures, I speak directly to those past policies that we weren’t responsible for implementing, and I’m struggling to process your response as if I held a gun to your head and blamed you for everything solely, as an individual.    
   
I don’t believe you have reason to accept that kind of burden upon your shoulders.    
   
It’s not you that I blame for the current situation we’re all navigating under harsher than normal conditions.    
   
You cannot divorce yourself from the fact that we’re in this together, and I struggle to turn a blind eye to decisions that exacerbate an already complex situation.    
   
It was never your fault, and it’ll never be your fault; unless, of course you continue to appease the ones who expect us to take short cuts in a reactionary manner as opposed to working intensively with our counterparts to empower them, and enhance their capability.    
   
You reduce me to tears, boy !    
   
We have to be frank & fearless in a manner that isn't going to contribute to the burden of people who're fatigued from previous layers of inefficacy, so when I say, don’t take things personal please understand that there’s no malice when highlighting the inefficacy we’ve both been gifted with, from the generations before us.    
   
We carry a heavy burden as there are people who expect more from us in terms of accountability in the community, more so for me, than you.    
   
I don’t expect you to understand but I think you get it, more than anyone else.    
   
Sometimes, I don’t understand the pain that lingers for the circumstances of people I don’t even know, personally.    
   
I just know that there are little people living in sufferance, and we have within our grasp, the opportunity to turn that around as I refuse to believe that we can’t and won’t ever see the change that’s needed to enable us to achieve better outcomes.    
   
What I should’ve said was that you’ve done more than a great job in such a short timeframe, and so have all the people who work tirelessly to pick up the pieces because you all do, and so do so many others who go above and beyond in their remit of work.    
   
Obviously, there’s a fault line that runs deep and you went there to trigger a response, which has me wondering why ?!    
   
l'm resilient, and can move sideways to nestle myself amongst people who actually want to leave a legacy when they retire as opposed to enabling and perpetuating further generational trauma, and poverty through the criminalisation of another generation.    
   
I thought you were the same, so forgive me for touching upon your insecurities when I say, we need to do things differently as the current pathway isn’t sustainable.    
   
It's apparent that you've perceived my honesty & humanity as a weakness, however, my career pathway was never built upon the premise of what I could gain as an individual, it was pursued to serve the people we’re meant to serve as public servants, without appeasing the political masters that come and go.    
   
The latter will always come and go, and we’ll  always remain in our functions, awaiting the next briefing that outlines what needs to be done.    
   
We’re oft left to pick up the pieces of poor policy and decision making whilst operating in crisis mode, which isn’t necessarily sustainable per se.    
   
Our function is to explore alternative measures that align with evidence base practice, whilst also acknowledging that the evidence base to draw upon isn't necessarily relevant to our demographics, and that we need to explore alternative models of care.      
   
We could always champion change through exploring alternative measures that deviate away from a response that we know is designed to further disadvantage the next generation who rely upon us to get it right, in our lifetime.    
   
We could always go rogue, and make informed decisions that require a level of risk by deviating from the way in which we’ve always done things, acknowledging that those tactics don’t proffer us with the outcomes required.    
   
And I say us because we’re all in this together. You. Me. Them. Us.    
   
Noting, that none of us walked into this way back then, expecting to be challenged with the complexities we face when making decisions that impact upon the lives of others as decision makers, decades later.    
   
Deploying the same methodolgy, in terms of a response, and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity, so they say and that’s not some pie in the sky analogy we can afford to launch ourselves from, any longer.    
   
I can't realign myself to that narrative as it’s not right, and the hurt in your words only reinforce that nothing will change in our generation as that perspective is what defines and perpetuates, inefficacy.    
   
I am not malicious by default, and there was no malice in speaking to the narrative that we need to be smarter than our previous counterparts, from the generations of past who’ve left us with a burden that we need to make right.    
   
However, it’s evident  your perceptions are driven by your ego as you fail to hear the desperation behind my tone, and the tears that flow from witnessing the psychological distress of people who deserve better, knowing that you’re capable of leading the change that needs to happen.    
   
Is it so hard to seperate yourself from taking my words so literally & personally as if I were blaming you personally for the complexities we each face whilst navigating our way through an outdated system that requires structural change.    
   
I don’t believe you were mistreating vulnerable people, and I struggle to even utter such words, with you in the same sentence.    
   
In taking things personally, you accuse me of being malicious with intent to hurt you, and its more than apparent that you're unable to understand the gravity of this situation whilst rubbing salt into an open wound, when there’s absolutely no malice whatsoever.    
   
I'm unable to discern your sincerity when you make such outrageous statements that nothing can be done in our lifetime to turn the trending data around because I believe otherwise, and deep down, so do you.    
   
I expected more from you, which isn’t a fault of yours, but mine.    
   
Clearly, your emotional intelligence went out the door as you perceived me as being malicious when I spoke to the narrative of systems change as if the situation we’re navigating is purely    
your fault, when it isn’t.    
   
And you’re right, I shouldn’t be so me as that impacts upon you.    
   
You didn’t have to take things personal as neither of us are to be held responsible for the decision making of the many generations who came before us.    
   
It is distressing to hear that nothing will change in our generation !    
   
I'm exhausted from engaging in dialogues with people who percieve me as a threat as opposed to their counterpart who is willing to assist in identifying alternative strategies that trigger the change we need for the end users who are fatigued from decades of ineptitude whilst appeasing our political masters.    
   
You and I; my friend, will still be here when those polticial masters move on from their function so I'm stuggling to understand why you would tether yourself to appeasing those cohorts of people who expect us to think laterally, and present them with real tangible options that actually make a difference.    
   
We have a duty to work together for the greater good, and to proffer alternative recommendations that aren’t going to generate an outcome that further disadvantages people who are constantly functioning in a state of psychological distress.    
   
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to connect with genuine people who are passionate, and aren't afraid to challenge the status quo, and I thought you were a unicorn, and that I found my tribe.    
   
In the end, when we each reach the end of life stage, I wonder what our legacy will be.    
   
Saving the next generation of children, or further perpetuating an entire generation of dysfunctional human beings who have no hope for a brighter future because some of us spent our career pathways tethered to the notion that we must appease our political masters.    
   
When we do that, we dismiss our capability to present alternative recommendations, and champion tangible outcomes, with evidence that substantiates why we need to do things different, moving forward.    
   
I cried because your belief and the truth you spoke hurt as your words reiterate why nothing will ever change in our lifetime as many are motivated to appeasing the political masters as opposed to pursuing the road less travelled.    
   
I had a glimmer of hope when pondering you, your experiences and the breadth and depth of your expertise in the context of how we could change the landscape we work within as the people who need us to be frank and fearless, need us to be so without reservation.    
   
Clearly, my hopes were dashed when you affirmed your position as its apparent that we're not cut from the same cloth.    
   
So. Go ahead, belittle me, make fun of me, throw stones and crucify me for being human as that speaks to the narrative of who you are below the surface, and not me.    
   
Though, I suspect your ego has driven your response.    
   
I thought you were better than that but obviously you’re speaking from a place of hurt as I hurt your pride and ego, which isn’t as a bad as the hurt you elicited from across the table, when telling me such things.    
   
I'm sorry you felt as if you had to justify yourself whilst seeking to unearth the pain that lingers behind my eyes, however, you framed the dialogue in a manner that exposed the both of us.    
   
Most people wouldn't be offended but its apparent that you have no control over the beast that is your ego, and I’m just a stupid girl stuck in woman’s body who believed in you because I know you meant well but your words don’t correlate, and I’m disillusioned and blindsided by learning such truths.    
   
If I wasn’t entertaining myself with you in ways that aren’t appropriate whenever we sit across from one another, then maybe I’d be able to maintain the stoicism that’s required to stay the course, but I’m only human and I’ve an unhealthy weakness for men of such calibre.    
   
I crave. I cry. I love. I hate. I ache. I bleed. I forgive, and must learn to forget. I’m really no different to you for we are the same, in many ways.    
   
Fuck. I’m really going to miss you when I leave as you’re exactly what we need, so not too sure why I’ve got one foot out the door when you’re all in, and that’s all you’ve ever been.