Greek Warrior Story

One night a great warrior who lived in Coram, Greece, prayed to the god Hephaestus to provide him with a broadsword made of the strongest steel. He sought counsel from the oracle of Delphi, and what she uncovered was a mystery, as usual the spirit was indirect and esoteric, but what was clear, was that a sacrifice must be made in order to initiate the will of the gods
He knew of a noble young lady who recently had a baby and paid her a visit.
He scooped the child up in one arm and took off
A pyre was lit in honor of this sacrifice to Mount Olympus, then he cut the babies throat
He drank the blood then smeared the rest on himself
He muttered a silent prayer, then was teleported to the underworld,
Rebellious, hell raising spirits entered his body and lit his eyes up bloody red
When he returned telepathically, the sword that he asked for was in his hands.
The shiny silver alone could blind the hell outta his opponent
A tactical thing of beauty
He prostrated, and prayed to Ares for strength, he thanked Hephaestus and went on his merry way to battle for whichever lord would pay him handsomely
Well, They sacked villages and killed innocent townspeople
The spoils of war aplenty, and hostages were taken as prisoners and sold into slavery
Advancing along the lands they came by a sea they had to cross,
Once sailing, they encountered a tall, nine headed hydra...With hips. The warrior got to thinking: “Man, if she wasn’t so ugly I’d hit it, it’s just a water nymph that went all the way wrong isn’t it?”
Then he slashed upwards, cut one of the heads off but it grew back. Hercules taught us, you’ve got to burn them at the neck. He defeated it almost by himself, but several crew members came in to help
Once on land, they made their way easily into the city. They were met by soldiers, city guards and armed civilians. They persevered, until the warrior committed the ultimate sin. He killed his own kids who were visiting his in-laws. His wife shouted bloody murder in the street and spit on him, he coward and ran away screaming. The war paint on his face smeared as he attempted to put his own sword between his ears. His tears ran cold as he tried to end his life but then he was met by Poseidon. The only titan that could stand on his own 2 feet, in the middle of the Aegean Sea. He said to the warrior: “You cannot go out this way, you’ve risen to an immaculate status and if you should cut yourself, you’ll only be reincarnated. You are a God of War.”
He replied, “But, I just want sleep. I no longer wish to kill for a living. I’ve been at war for many years. I’m tired and I work to no ending.”
“Well,” Poseidon replied, “Athena isn’t too keen on you, but she sees how useful you can be. Fulfill your duties and question no further.”
He turned away and waged war for several more years, until one night grew colder, around the time that Persephone returned to her household in the underworld
He vowed to go down there as well, and propose another bargain once again
Hermes came to him, told him that he’d take him personally,
With wings on his helmet and feet, he brought him to see Hades and speak
He saw Perseus riding Pegasus waving Medusa’s severed head in the air
Eros shot his arrows at the souls in purgatory to conjure the feeling of love amongst the dead for a thrill
The warrior dragged himself along with his broadsword to the dark lords throne and said:
“I need to rest lord Hades. I beseech you for eternal sleep.”
Hades replied: “Take a nap.”
Now, the underworld can only trap the living if we ingest the food or drink, or we die while inside. Like, by Cerberus or some shit.
The warrior went for the exit of the castle but Hades called out to ask him, “Why not try some of the cuisine? It’s to die for.”
The warrior sighed and simply replied: “I don’t eat.”