deepundergroundpoetry.com
[2021] Mind Fields
I hike imagination's caves and trails
where the graphics' engine renders
in real time brush strokes on canvas
a realm that does not disappoint;
to please me, it never fails
For surrounded by fields and evergreenery
I desperately require change of scenery;
this current three-hundred sixty eyesore
leaves me wishing for less-is-more
And while I hate Hate HATE snow
like never before when I was a child
at least it blankets the farmer's garbage
piled wherever there's a stone's throw
from my front and back door
So, pardon me if I seem distracted
wandering about the construction site
where in play, my Universe Home
becomes a reality enacted . . .
hopefully soon to be
matter of facted
Huge THANKS to Ahavati for her helpful honest critique! xo
Published 24th Dec 2020
| Edited 4th May 2021
Author's Note
for the comp "Landscaped Engines" @
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11688/
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11688/
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 2
comments 16
reads 524
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Wow I love this imagery! It evokes an actual visual as well as an emotional compassion toward the reader. It's a winner in my book! Love the clever title!
Two things:
Mind Fields
where the graphic[']s engine renders
[ piled up everywhere ] [there's] a stone's throw
from my front door
It reads awkwardly ( to me ). Do ou really need the bracketed? Isn't garbage typically piled up? I would eliminte the bracketed and just end with
a stone's throw from my front door
Two things:
Mind Fields
where the graphic[']s engine renders
[ piled up everywhere ] [there's] a stone's throw
from my front door
It reads awkwardly ( to me ). Do ou really need the bracketed? Isn't garbage typically piled up? I would eliminte the bracketed and just end with
a stone's throw from my front door
24th Dec 2020 6:19pm
Thank you! I even added a stanza LOL
I double checked "graphics engine" to see it wasn't possesive. It could be in theory, because computer graphics require an engine. But since it's graphics, it would have to be " graphics' ". I have to ponder this more.
As for the garbage piles, I was thinking in terms of land mines to navigate around? Roadside trash is scattered, not piled, so ..... hmmm .... more to consider before the comp expires!
I double checked "graphics engine" to see it wasn't possesive. It could be in theory, because computer graphics require an engine. But since it's graphics, it would have to be " graphics' ". I have to ponder this more.
As for the garbage piles, I was thinking in terms of land mines to navigate around? Roadside trash is scattered, not piled, so ..... hmmm .... more to consider before the comp expires!
24th Dec 2020 6:27pm
For now, I changed it to:
"piled wherever there's a stone's throw"
but something about that is awkward too LOL
"piled wherever there's a stone's throw"
but something about that is awkward too LOL
24th Dec 2020 6:45pm
It still feels like you're struggling:
So, pardon me if I seem [ a bit ] distracted
[ as I wander ] ( wandering ) about the construction site
where in play, my Universe Home /
becomes ( reality ) enacted
For a better enjambment I suggest splitting the line and adding reality, as what you desire is enacted as reality. As to the rest of the wording, I would remove the bracketed and substitue the parenthesis.
So, pardon me if I seem [ a bit ] distracted
[ as I wander ] ( wandering ) about the construction site
where in play, my Universe Home /
becomes ( reality ) enacted
For a better enjambment I suggest splitting the line and adding reality, as what you desire is enacted as reality. As to the rest of the wording, I would remove the bracketed and substitue the parenthesis.
24th Dec 2020 6:53pm
Loving the suggestions. You're the best! Thank you! xo
Added more! [nonsense]
Added more! [nonsense]
24th Dec 2020 6:55pm
I think you should say:
becomes a reality enacted
It would add some great assonance to the a sound throughout that entire line, giving it a lovely rhythm.
becomes a reality enacted
It would add some great assonance to the a sound throughout that entire line, giving it a lovely rhythm.
24th Dec 2020 7:06pm
24th Dec 2020 7:35pm
24th Dec 2020 7:39pm
Yep. Still tinkering away! Since we added "reality" at the end, I converted it to "realm" in Line 4 which is more appropriate. Your help is mucho appreciated. <3
24th Dec 2020 7:43pm
28th Dec 2020 4:58am
Damn that’s a good starting chapter to a full journey
I hike imagination's caves and trails
where the graphics' engine renders
in real time brush strokes on canvas
a realm that does not disappoint;
to please me, it never fails
Feels like it unfolds on its own, smooth verse Johnny
I hike imagination's caves and trails
where the graphics' engine renders
in real time brush strokes on canvas
a realm that does not disappoint;
to please me, it never fails
Feels like it unfolds on its own, smooth verse Johnny
28th Dec 2020 10:49am
Thank you, Loki! Let's hope the journey ends with a settling down somewhere else!
28th Dec 2020 10:59pm
I like that this competition is bringing out excellent entries and how inspiring they can be. You bring your own unique style, so captivating in description and emotion. It feels almost like a movie screen switching scenery, from greenery to a blanket of snow.
Best of luck in the comp sir.
Best of luck in the comp sir.
28th Dec 2020 11:44pm
Thank you, Wally. I really do cringe every time it snows, because I live on a hill and the driveway can be hell to navigate when slippery!
10th Jan 2021 4:39pm
10th Jan 2021 4:49pm
