The First Heartbreak 3: Contempt

To be Defiant

Well... since my hate won’t go away,
I can just use it against you,
Against the lies I’ve told myself,
For a long time I’d been fooled...
Fooled into thinking it was me,
And carrying that on all through life,
A bag so so heavy...
The ugly belief that I was nothing,
All because my Daddy couldn’t love me.
So, for you I defiantly compose my hate,
On a mission never to fail myself again,
To lift my head and be great,
To learn from all my mistakes...
& To live and breathe in the present day.
Instead of cursing my eyes because they look like yours,
I can be proud to have survived what they have seen,
I can be proud that I’ve gotten this far,
And maintained some semblance of my sanity.
You won’t win, or referee my life anymore,
And though I’ll never forgive you,
And the hate will live on...
I can set it down for now,
While I rebuild my life and my thoughts.
And remind myself that I am loved,
Remind myself that am lovable and I am true,
Remind myself that it wasn’t even about me,
But in actuality, a flaw within you,
And I know moving forward will be a challenge,
But one that’s rewarding and fruitful.
So defiantly I profess my disdain,
And my determination to beat this,
To prove wrong the belief I’d fed myself
That there’s something wrong with me & that I deserved it.
To unpack the sadness I thought I’d buried far inside,
To address it and sit with it,
Without my Leo Ego,
And Without my pride.
And without shame of being ashamed,
I’ll open heart chakra to let the light in,
Cry, breathe and scream,
And admit that for years I’d been hurting.
On this day, I’m open and vulnerable,
On this day I am ready to heal,
On this day I don’t fight it,
Don’t want to deny how I feel.
Today I made a choice,
To make friends with my demons,
To shelf the tough act,
And be finally be master all of my feelings.