To my D.G.
You have been gone seven days exactly, but it feels like an eternity to me.
I am writhing on the inside of myself with anger that I hold for you,
And no matter how hard I try, She lights the walls of my soul on fire each time.
I wish that you didn't have to die, because I never expected you to.
I wish that you'd taken better care of yourself, and maybe we wouldn't be here.
I want to scream at you until my lungs wither into dust and cry until the sun is no more.
I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you that it was okay to let go,
But I never got any of that from you, grandpa.
Instead I cowered away inside the corridors of my lungs while I wept at your casket,
And bit my lips so hard I tasted blood as I watched them lower you into the ground.
I never got a goodbye or even a hug, and I am so angry at you for it.
I want to smash every memory I have so maybe it wouldn't hurt this much,
And then maybe I wouldn't be laying in my bathtub feeling this numb.
I wanted my goodbyes and my hugs and I never got them from you.
I'd trade everything for another angry conversation with you, grandpa.
I love you with everything in my soul, until we meet again.