deepundergroundpoetry.com
Extinguished
I'm at the end of my rope
Completely given up all hope
Think things will change? Nope.
Somewhere between love and lost
Is a hefty emotional cost
Where intimacy is shorn and that line is crossed.
Feelings extinguished by unrequited desire.
Yesterday too busy, today too tired.
By this point our drive has expired.
Now, instead, just a cohort in this path we walk.
Not sure if it's really anyone's fault.
But what once was 'us' has come to a halt.
Completely given up all hope
Think things will change? Nope.
Somewhere between love and lost
Is a hefty emotional cost
Where intimacy is shorn and that line is crossed.
Feelings extinguished by unrequited desire.
Yesterday too busy, today too tired.
By this point our drive has expired.
Now, instead, just a cohort in this path we walk.
Not sure if it's really anyone's fault.
But what once was 'us' has come to a halt.
Published 21st Dec 2020
Author's Note
Just an unedited depiction of my current feelings. Feel free to pick apart, it likely needs some help.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 289
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Dec 2020 3:42am
This is really good. The three line rhyming pattern, I find, is difficult to execute really well but you nailed it.
I like that style because you naturally look for and expect a fourth line to close the verse, so the lack of the fourth line gives the poem that sense of longing and wanting more. Loved it.
I like that style because you naturally look for and expect a fourth line to close the verse, so the lack of the fourth line gives the poem that sense of longing and wanting more. Loved it.
23rd Dec 2020 4:15am
Noble - thank you so much for the compliment and for reading. I am glad that you enjoyed it. :)
23rd Dec 2020 4:37am
You are welcome.
It says that you have asked for “honest” feedback. In that vein one thing you may want to consider, since this is a rhyming poem, is to even up the number of syllables you use in each line.
An example of what I mean is on the third line where the number of syllables is much shorter at five versus seven and eight in the preceding two lines. If you increase line three to seven syllables you will improve the flow, but... that may not be the effect you are looking for so as always take my advice (or any advice on writing really) with a grain of salt! Besides I love it as is so don’t feel like you should change anything on my account.
It says that you have asked for “honest” feedback. In that vein one thing you may want to consider, since this is a rhyming poem, is to even up the number of syllables you use in each line.
An example of what I mean is on the third line where the number of syllables is much shorter at five versus seven and eight in the preceding two lines. If you increase line three to seven syllables you will improve the flow, but... that may not be the effect you are looking for so as always take my advice (or any advice on writing really) with a grain of salt! Besides I love it as is so don’t feel like you should change anything on my account.
