Paperplane thoughts on the wind

I still have to scold myself at times
Still have to capture the stray thoughts
Those tendrils carrying images of you
Warm and bright, floating in my mind at night
I fold them into paper planes in my skull
Before breathing them out to float to you
I'm the monster of your story, I know
Your love couldn't change the beast
The gods know my efforts of change
Seeking help to better this fractured mind
But it doesn't change the fact I hurt you
So I put these thought on the wind
As if I'm releasing flowers on cold water
I know they'll never reach you where you are
I'm not a fool I know we're through
Letting go has been harder then I thought
I kept trying to push you away and finally I did
I don't mind being the monster in this tale
If only these wispy acid thoughts would evaporate
I wish to death that I was just a villainess
That the good in me wasnt fueling this guilt
It's eating me alive inside knowing the way I said goodbye
I wish I could take it back, wish I hadn't acted like that
The meds are working it seems, the fire cools
I don't think I'm the girl you knew
But what else can I do but return these thoughts to you
I'll send them like messages in a bottle
Silent pockets of energy that no longer mean anything
I hope they help you, this love I have remaining for you
I hope I empty myself of it into the expanse
That spans the distance between us
That beautiful abyssal thing that rivels the grand canyon
Its cruel how I don't want you to come back
My mantra to keep you safe from me
Because if I can believe it you'll get over me
Because I don't know if the changes I'm making
Will be permanent in my mind, my body...
I'm just a monster trapped in flesh
Gods know you're better off without me
But this love might help you if it wasn't attached to me
So here is another thought, sent on the wind
The warm memories of way back when
I hope you dont think of me...
That you're happy and safe
That the bed you lay in at night is warm
That someone is taking care of you
In the way I wish I was capable of
I pray to whoever listens to my prayers
That you will be protected from this world
That these paperplane thoughts make it to you