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I wish that I had comforting words    
That lies would come out of my mouth  
Wrap around you like a warm blanket    
To cease your worry about me    
Ease that nagging thought of my struggle    
I wish that I could simply fade from minds    
That I wasn't a puzzle piece holding the world   
I'm bending under the pressure I think    
My mind is cracking but I'm piling on the pills    
Three now... I'm taking three now    
There was a time I was on about fourteen    
I'm in a place that people don't argue with my past    
They simply just accept it and move on    
Doctors, therapist, psychiatrist, work folks    
It's like I'm building the train track here    
While driving the train forward, ever forward    
I'm letting those toxic relationships fade    
Loosing myself in sewing the torn pieces together    
And yet I still want to die every single day    
It's like a song stuck in my head, bouncing in my skull    
Over and over again I feel like it would be easier
Easier to not exist, to not be impactful    
To finally lay down and settle my mind    
For my mouth to fall silent at last    
People have always spoke of my negativity    
But it is my reality in these sharp words    
One could say that there's a peace in knowing,    
In just simply accepting this as fact    
That I am going to kill myself    
There's no other way I am going    
This truth deeply unsettles folks    
And I wish I was just wired differently    
That the voices would empty themselves    
That I could have hope in a peaceful death    
In my mind it is a great thought    
An escape hatch programed into my hands    
I don't want to hurt anyone, I promise    
If only someone could remove this one thought    
This thought that I have been fighting my entire life    
I've accepted it, but my gods I wish it would be different    
I'm sorry
Written by BlueBeastGirl (Beasty)
Published | Edited 11th Dec 2020
Author's Note
My death isn't imminent. But if faced with dying from my brain deteriorating and suicide I will choose the second every time. And I know that that bothers people and I don't know how to ease people's worry. I'm okay I just want to die.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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