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GIVE ME MY DRESS AND COME WITH ME.
GIVE ME MY DRESS AND COME WITH ME.
Dear mum, give me the dress l love to wear.
I want to be the charm of all who're there.
I yearn the eyes to look only at me.
I am a girl, my mum; that is my glee.
My eyes have unique spell; no eyes can vie.
The other girls see me and feel so shy.
No wonder, mum, l want to be so fair.
I am a girl, and that to me is dear.
The young men in the town will come to dance.
I'll be a lovely sight for those who glance.
No one can see my eyes and go away.
I want the best of them with me to stay.
Don't worry, mum; l won't leave you alone.
You are the one who gave me what l own.
You'll always be inside my heart and home.
You are my start, and you are my end dream.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Dear mum, give me the dress l love to wear.
I want to be the charm of all who're there.
I yearn the eyes to look only at me.
I am a girl, my mum; that is my glee.
My eyes have unique spell; no eyes can vie.
The other girls see me and feel so shy.
No wonder, mum, l want to be so fair.
I am a girl, and that to me is dear.
The young men in the town will come to dance.
I'll be a lovely sight for those who glance.
No one can see my eyes and go away.
I want the best of them with me to stay.
Don't worry, mum; l won't leave you alone.
You are the one who gave me what l own.
You'll always be inside my heart and home.
You are my start, and you are my end dream.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 8th Dec 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Two notes:
Your line
"I want to be the charm of all who're there."
Makes me stop reading what you wrote to wonder where the "there" you speak of is. And If I'm wondering "where is '"there'?", then I'm in my own head, dithering, and not following you in the path you're trying to lay out for me in your submission. These deictic phrases of yours -- that often sacrifice sense on the altar of rhyme -- create snags that are not part of well-written poetry and take readers right out of what you write..
Secondly, the expression "yearn eyes" is a solecism. One does not year things to happen. One yearns FOR for things to happen or to do something.
Your line
"I want to be the charm of all who're there."
Makes me stop reading what you wrote to wonder where the "there" you speak of is. And If I'm wondering "where is '"there'?", then I'm in my own head, dithering, and not following you in the path you're trying to lay out for me in your submission. These deictic phrases of yours -- that often sacrifice sense on the altar of rhyme -- create snags that are not part of well-written poetry and take readers right out of what you write..
Secondly, the expression "yearn eyes" is a solecism. One does not year things to happen. One yearns FOR for things to happen or to do something.
11th Dec 2020 9:47pm
1- If you read a few more lines, you'll know the meaning of THERE.
2- What do you mean by "year eyes"? Please read the poem again and correct yourself.
2- What do you mean by "year eyes"? Please read the poem again and correct yourself.
"1- If you read a few more lines, you'll know the meaning of THERE."
Leaving aside the question of whether the "meaning" (? did you mean the referent) of your "there" is indeed made apparent in some subsequent lines, the issue is whether your deictic phrase (apparently generated in order to get a rhyme with "wear") stops a reader in his/her tracks at the line in which "there" appears and takes him/her right out of the submission. I'm sorry that you don't see this.
And you haven't shown that "yearns eyes" is not a solecism.
Leaving aside the question of whether the "meaning" (? did you mean the referent) of your "there" is indeed made apparent in some subsequent lines, the issue is whether your deictic phrase (apparently generated in order to get a rhyme with "wear") stops a reader in his/her tracks at the line in which "there" appears and takes him/her right out of the submission. I'm sorry that you don't see this.
And you haven't shown that "yearns eyes" is not a solecism.
