Ghosts II

 
It’s the last day of November
here listening to my kids talking on the phone
playing video games
one of them aced her maths test today
a subject she never expected to pass
for her anxiety and natural predilection
for anything but maths
and chemistry --
They’re growing up well
for having just me, mostly

I’ve been in bed all day, sometimes sleeping
not even for being ill
it’s almost an aggressive laziness
when I think of the 50 things I need to do
as soon as I set my feet on the floor
I’ve spent money I don’t have
'cause Christmas and cleaning supplies
I managed a shower and an email for work
that’s pretty much all, and dinner is well late

My friend’s father died in the night
while he was searching for flights home
similar to what happened to me
when my dad passed
me racing against his illness
that had had several months of a head start
before i’d even found out
But this was sudden --
Stroke, family panic, decline, death
all within a few hours
all the way across
a red-taped transitioning world
while he’s stuck here
alone

I don’t feel the heaviness for him
in a conscious way, as much as I sympathise
Don’t feel heartless
just more unmoved than I should be
more unmoved than I have been for others
but I think it may be picking at my insides
like a parasite
for the similarities
I see too many similarities lately
like ghosts have moved in under my bed