Two Glasses

Hi, Tim. Since you're requesting for Honest Critique on this poem, here you go.    
    
The most interesting aspect is how at the very end, you pull the rug out from under our feet with the revelation that there was a death. It reinforces how the narrator will never be able to get an answer to his question from his ex lover.    
  
The opening ( and closing ) comes across very truncated. It feels like you are about to break out into further song, which is fine. But it also feels like the next stanza should end with a rhyming of "too".    
   
"Bottle of wine      
Two glasses      
Both mine      
I remember      
When you      
Were too"    
   
You immediately go from brevity to verbosity and the shift is far from smooth.    
   
"Long distant memories of our relationship lost in the past      
We played with forever but it never seemed to last      
We were so sure of each other back when we were young      
Now we're just faded memories being lamented and sung    
   
We both started new lives after you were gone      
I still wrack my brain figuring out where it all went wrong      
But some mysteries in life forever remain      
Like wine on a table cloth, forever leaves a stain"    
   
There is a lot of wording that can be removed from Stanzas 2 & 3 without sacrificing any story.      
   
You've used "we were" 2 times in a single line. Technically, you've used "we" 5 times.    
   
It's implied that there was a "relationship" and it was y"ours".    
   
"when we were young" implies "back"    
   
"distant" implies "long".    
   
If the memories are distant, they are still accessible and not lost, right?   
   
Here is a reimagining of the entire poem, retaining the song format you established, and retaining the emphasis you created on "forever". The beginning flows more and the rest mirrors it rhythmically.    
   
A bottle of wine      
and two glasses    
---both mine---    
I remember when    
you were too    
   
Forever    
we played with    
---never seemed to last      
   
Now I've started anew    
   
Distant in the past    
faded memories still    
have me lamenting you    
   
in a song since sung;    
so sure of each other    
when we were young    
   
Hard and long    
I've wracked my brain    
asking, [i]What went wrong?[/i]    
   
Only mystery remained    
as if a table cloth, stained    
forever    
   
A bottle of wine      
and two glasses    
---both mine---    
picnicking by a cemetary stone      
   
alone    
   
   
   
   
117 words reduced to 89. That's 28 words removed. Visually illustrated, that's about this much:    
   
xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx  
xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx  
xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx  
   
Keep in mind, this is not an attempt to rewrite your poem, but an attempt to illustrate the areas you can improve upon.  
   
Tim, thank you for this opportunity to Honestly Critique your work.

Thank you, it's exactly what I've been looking for. Continuously doing things wrong isn't helping me be better.

You're welcome, Tim. :)

good critique,
helpfully well stated.


OG Respect.

Dear TW,

Bravo! This drew me right in and I really appreciated the imagery of the characters you wrote about. Within the brevity there was an immediate story that was captivating and melancholy. Well done. H🌷

I'm not sure if you were talking about my poem of Blazes version of my poem, but the characters were real. My ex-wife passed of pancreatic cancer a couple years after and while I didn't actually visit the grave, those questions lingered. I met my soul mate afterward, so perhaps it was meant to be, if you believe in such things.

Dear TW,

I’m sorry about your ex-wife and happy you’ve found your soul mate. I do refer to your write. Your characters were your own and they came through very nicely along side of JB’s suggestions. Your subject was intriguing to start with, and the blend between the two of you worked very well. H🌷

Thank you. I try to do uplifting poetry and songs, but I have been entering a few contests and if it wasn't for one of them I wouldn't have wrote it. Didn't enter because I couldn't make it positive, but I didn't want to throw it away either. It would have been liking ending it again.

“Now I'm picnicking by your stone  
In this cemetary all alone”

heavy stuff man..

moving,
invariably relatable for most.


OG Respect

Hey buddy, I'm glad you liked it.

This breaks my heart to read why there are 2 to 1 person.  I am so saddened by this, however, it is charming.

Don't be sad. He lives on and ends up finding that one person he was meant to be with. We all go through things like this, it's what makes us who we are. I'm glad you liked it.