Is This Love?

Every drunken night with you was a night I lost a part of myself.
I fell apart piece by piece.
Slowly but surely over the course of a year,
I became the monster you created.

It starts so simply.
You, starting fights for fun.
Me, reacting to your taunts.
This shouldn't turn into a night of violence.
"Not even your family wants you anymore"
Is this what disappointment feels like?

You say I'm crazy.
I tell you you're a piece of shit.
Your fist colliding with my face.
My teeth sinking into your skin.
"You should just kill yourself already"
Is this what hatred feels like?

You, hurling insults, telling me to just end it all.
Me, holding a blade to my neck, feeling my blood pumping beneath its cold surface.
Daring me to press it in and drag it across.
In your eyes, I'm a coward.
"Nobody will ever love you the way that I do"
Is this what giving up feels like?

You, shoving me into the wall and slapping me hard across the face.
Me, grabbing for a knife and pointing it at your chest.
Don't touch me or I'll take us both.
Please, god, get me out of here.
"You'd have nothing without me"
Is this what defeat feels like?

The tears, the blood, the screams, the clumps of hair ripped out by the roots.
You turned me into this monstrosity.
Your fingers curled around my throat.
My hands clawing and scratching.
"You should hate yourself"
Is this what dying feels like?

My voice is hoarse from yelling and begging you to stop.
I can't take it anymore.
I really think I'm going to die if I don't escape now.
Either by my hand or yours.
"Nobody loves you except me"
Is this what terror feels like?

Even with the blue and purple shadows around my swollen eyes,
They say you're not the abuser.
I question myself and wonder if it's true.
My cries for help go unanswered.
"You're too damaged for anyone else to want"
Is this what hopelessness feels like?

I just want a break.
Even if only for one of these nights.
I want to exist without feeling your sickly sweet breath down the back of my neck.
Whispering nauseating words into my ear.
"Don't you dare tell anyone about this"
Is this what surrender feels like?

Am I crazy?
I feel myself becoming you - full of anger and rage.
I no longer create, I only destroy.
I hate this version of myself, made in your image.
"I don't want someone who's sick in the head"
Is this what self loathing feels like?

You yell with passion that you love me as I leave.
And I believe you.
So the cycle continues.
I've heard that love hurts, so this must be what love feels like.