Dear Diary,

A tale we want to heard, we want to read and we want to appreciate, good writing.

Dear Diary,

I just read a really nice comment from OH.  I’m not sure but I think he wants to read more and appreciate good writing.  I don’t think he should look for it in my diary.  But his comment was super sweet.  Thank you. H 🌷

read it and thought "now this is a poem   .."

Dear Diary,

I read this really cool comment from P and how he thinks you (my diary) are a poem.  I think he may have confused this with “dairy” but his comments are always so funny and uplifting and he left a gift of an RL. I was really blown away by it.  Thank you.  H 🌷

Dear Diary,

My 21 year old son thinks abuse is asking where the money is at for his bills. He moved out in a huff. I had a small party that night. A celebration.

He tells people I drink everyday to garner sympathy because he grew up in "the house of no feelings spared" no one believes him so he moves onto a bigger nastier lie.

I hate cooking so I eat out everyday I don't like dishes in my sink so paper plates and plastic utensils are all we use. The good china is for company.
My friend Donna is in town so i haven't really slept in 2 days, she thinks my bed feels like a cloud, i think it feels uncomfortable and cant move when someone else is in it. I tossed and turned. Woke at 515am annoyed and cracked open a mountain dew. A whole fucking day ahead of me.
Its cold out so now i make a soup for the feral kitties, its hot water and cold canned food. Chef Nikki.
I will call Greg at 930 see where hes at with the work I gave him to do. If hes not done I will berate and belittle, I'm really good at that.

I've gained weight so i only wear the same 3 outfits and all of them are dirty
I find a pair of jeans from last year and cant get them past my hips, I kick them off and spaz a little in the kitchen then I say fuck it grab a doughnut and a swig of my mountain dew .

I'm wearing dirty clothes today.

Dear Diary,

I just read the most amazing diary entry from Nikkimoe.  Don’t tell anyone but I think we might be twin sisters because she hates dirty dishes in the sink and eats off paper.  I do that!  I totally feel for her weight gain.  I confused myself for a sausage this morning trying to get my tights on.  F*ck diets!  EAT donuts!!  I totally dug her entry though.  It was really awesome!  Thank you. H 🌷

You should make this a weekly or monthly entry
I read it all and loved it
Original, human and with great pathos

Like

Dear Diary,

I thought I might be hallucinating but PS thinks I should make you a consistent entry.  It was a really flattering comment to make and made me feel smart.  Of course, he has no clue how lazy I am and I’m sure to forget I ever wrote this once I get my arse in gear for that other classics comp.  He was super generous though and left me another gift of an RL.  He’s a super dude. Thank you. H 🌷

Wow ... this is bold ... vulnerable ... authentic ... I love love love it ... well poeted dear H ...

Dear Diary,

I got the nicest compliment today from LDF. Although I think she had a typo because she used the word love three times in a row. I don’t think it was meant for me, but she’s always got something cool to write about.  I think she’s been everywhere too. She left me an RL from her travels and I thought that was a really sweet memento.  She’s so thoughtful. Thank you.  H 🌷

Dear Diary,
       How come you never write back?
Love
Tim

Dear Diary,

I read the most hilarious entry today. This fellow named Tim asked why you never write back.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him it doesn’t work like that. I think he’s new to the process.  But it was cute that he asked and so kind he even brought a house warming gift of an RL.  I was super flattered and very grateful.  He’s funny too.  Thank you. H 🌷

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 3am and was awake enough to read Honoria's entry, but too tired to coherently write anything. I was back up at 6:30 to give my sister a ride to work so her car can go into the shop today. She produced a piece of baklava when she got into the car. I ate that on my way home. I eat a lot of ridiculous food which is partly why I'm now a big butt Bertha (no offense to anyone named Bertha). I have one pair of jeans that fit me. I mostly live in leggings, but sometimes I want to wear the jeans! This time last year I was chemo thin and hyped on steroids.
I was going to go to the gym today, but Wednesdays have never been gym day.  

I deactivated my facebook account a couple of months ago. I wondered yesterday how many people have unfriended me. Then I laughed a little at that thought. I've been gone long enough now that I have no desire to return. C'est la vie.

The temp this morning was somewhere in the 30's. Our house feels a little bit like an icebox, but I refuse to turn on the actual heat until December, so I haul a tiny space heater around the house all day.  

My partner and I have recently come out of quarantine (we had the 'Rona) and now we are the social pariahs' of our friend group. I'm almost amused by it.  

There isn't really any housework to do today. I have to study for my exam (dear God let it be over with) and pick my sister up from work at 3:30. Make dinner later. Maybe laundry. I don't know. My days all run together.  

I keep thinking about going and getting my face pierced. Medusa. That's the name of the piercing. I still have the small scar from the last one. Gives the piercer a guide to go by. Maybe after Christmas. I don't care to hear my mom say things like, "why did you do that again" (yeah she's not a fan of tattoos or piercings) "I thought you said you would never do that again" (I have never said that) "I guess I just thought you were done doing those things"...I love 20 questions from a person who literally has never been able to be accepting of her children and so makes up a picture of who we are (which isn't who we are, and is in fact who she wishes we were). It's a load of fun.  

Well, I have statistics to go over and another 250 question practice exam to dive into today. Oh boy!  

Love,

E

P.s. I know I already ate a piece of baklava but I kinda want eggs and an avocado for real breakfast. Do my food choices make me look fat?  

Dear Diary,

I had the most interesting read.  I snuck into Eerie’s desk and read her diary.  She ate baklava.  I was really jealous because I love baklava.  Last time I tried to eat it in the car most of it landed in my lap.  But I totally felt her dismay about not fitting into her jeans.  I’m awed that she even tries.  I just look at mine and feel the strangling waist band choking the life out of me.  Of course I was sorry to hear she had the sickness and really glad they’re both better but heave ho’ what a to do.  I know she’ll ace that damn exam as soon as she takes it but the angst will get ya every time.  She’s really smart and very thoughtful, she went out and bought me an RL which I thought was very kind. Such a treasure.
Thank you. H 🌷

Well H what the heck? Is that right out of my diary?🤣 I swear I needed to read this today. Something real in the sense of our exquisite everyday happenings.  To know I’m not the only one out there feeling these things. Maybe it’s the only place I feel from anymore. I adore you and thank you for the realz.  I’ll work on my entry😘😎

Dear Diary,

The most odd thing, Tracey_Leigh thinks I swiped a page out of her diary!  I swear i didn’t but I think we could be twins.  Sometimes we write about stuff that is so similar from experiences and it’s spooky the same.  She’s so thoughtful when she passes notes in class because she always says something nice and plus she brought me an RL and I thought that was so kind.  I don’t think I deserved it but it was really nice to get.  Thank you. H 🌷

Dear Diary,
This morning I had the opportunity to go for my last oral surgery appointment. A journey of more than a year and counting, yet I said "no" to, when the Dr's office texted saying they had a cancelation and could fit me in this afternoon, way earlier than my scheduled appt of Dec 2nd. Why didn't I just rearrange my schedule and get it done? The pussy, baby side of me knows that the major painful parts of reconstruction, revision, implantation and healing are all done and gone, yet still, I hesitated. I am OVERJOYED that this fuck long process is a breath away from ending and should have jumped at the chance to get it all finished today... opting (now regretting) to wait until my original date in Dec is ridiculous, yet there I am. In a land of ridiculous, pussy baby girl. What a weakling...  

I think I was taken aback and only now am I processing that my journey in this strange- car accident /finding a tumor /getting a diagnosis /lucky to be alive and it's benign/having facial reconstruction & tumor removal plastic surgery, combined with two dental implantations and scar revision surgery-- that now, all of that, that whole ordeal, it's all ending. Maybe I have clung to this mess and now I'm scared to continue on as I was before... Do I even remember what that before was or felt like? Pssscchhhh...Thoughts I am loathe to think. I'm disappointed in myself, yet I will try cutting myself some fucking slack. I know that the chances are high that I can get squeezed in @ the Dr's office again, as those front office ladies have come to love my mask hidden smile and our bonding with smart ass jabs, with our shared political ideologies, ranting back and forth about the horrible state of the country and how it's women that will force a return to sanity with their abundance of votes for hope and not for lying division... So, I know that's still a probability....  
Why then? Why?..... Yeah, yet another question I can't really answer...Maybe... Maaaaybe, I'm just lazy.
For now, I'll go with that... laziness.
Sure.  
..... as I rub the scar revision site behind my left ear....

12:14pm Est Update:
Dr's office just texted again and rescheduled for tomorrow @8:30am  
huh...  
My new, new beginning has an exact time of day.  
"So long, and RIP pussy baby girl".... welcome back, (slightly new and improved) Susan.  

Dear Blue,

I know so well that feeling of being done (or close) and feeling a certain way about it. I felt a little panicked when chemo ended and I wouldn't be seeing the oncologist every week. I actually cried when PT ended, because that was the final piece to the journey. On the other side, it's so much better though. Hang in there and good luck with the home stretch. You'll still be you, but stronger.

Dear Diary,

I just read the most amazing story every.  I wasn’t supposed to read it but of course I did. This girl, BV, she’s like super nice and always complimentary well, she had this incredible story relating a devastating situation but the odd thing is if you see her avatar all you see is this really beautiful girl.  Like WTF?  I think once she realizes it’s okay to move on she’ll grab her new world by the twig and berries and slam dunk her way to fabulous new opportunities.  In the midst of all her own stuff she still managed to send me an RL which was like over the top kind and  very appreciated.  I wish her all the luck when she sees that dentist in the morning and gets it all done and dusted.  (It’s meant to be.)  Thank you. H 🌷

Ohh my heart....
💜
Thank you for that, H
xoxo
almost done!

Thank you for those words, Eerie
They mean a lot to me.
I'm sooo fucking appreciative
(and ready to be done!)
💜 💜
xoxo
B

Good girl.  Get it over with and then get the hell out of dodge! X
H 🌷

Haha 😜🤘

Last night I had a nightmare because I drank too much milk at 2am. I can't seem to sleep anymore unless I knock myself out with some eating. I miss my long periods of fasting and the clean, empty feeling they gave me. I took a walk around the avenues in the cold last night, mostly because I miss the armored feeling of wearing my black leather jacket, which I hadn't donned since February. I bought a bag of spicy peanuts at the gas station, brought em home and ate along with a cup of Japanese chocolate mint tea. I've not felt like writing in a while, the days smooth over baked bread and I send little soulful and silly messages to the small microcosm of people I text with any frequency. I've been thinking about my conflicting intentions and how they hinder me. I want intimacy and community, but treasure being alone. I want success, but love leisure. I listened to some lovely spoken word poetry today and posted a bevy of quotes from Seneca the Younger. Probably the first thing I posted to FaceBook in a dog's age. I remember a lot of my dreams and I relate them to people. A homeless man with blue eyes, clear and washed out like a pair of old jeans, asked me for change. I thought about it a second, but he was unmasked and Covid is still ramping up locally and elsewhere, so I didn't get any closer. He was unmasked and probably a bit touched. I thought about how this country is probably the leader in first world countries for allowing those suffering mental illness to die on the streets. I guess I've been doing what my Buddhist teacher calls shadow work and titration, easing into contemplation of subjects that make me uncomfortable.

I like the cheeky candor of your diatribe.

In kind resonance,
Filos Sou, o Drakos

Dear Diary,

I snooped and looked over Daniel’s shoulder while he posted his journal entry. He has the same thoughts about hunger I have now a days.  I really miss that grumbelly feeling. Now I can’t go two hours successively without a snack of some sort.  Although, I can’t imagine spicy gas station peanuts doing the trick...I always appreciate his thoughtful insight and honesty and he’s always so nice about helping.  It was great to see him around these parts and say hello in his wonderfully supportive way. Thank you, H 🌷

I really enjoyed this one, Honoria. It was direct, candid, and honesty. It showed many aspects of the multifaceted person that you are! You know what?! You should TOTALLY start a thread in the Speakeasy for Dairy Entries! It would be a blast!

I was thinking the same!! There's obviously a need for it. 🙂

Dear Diary,

OMG!  I think I just read some really thoughtful sweetness from Ahavati about starting a thread somewhere.  I think she thinks I’m capable of some sort of followup.  I hate to disappoint but between my flightiness and fickleness I think it would tank.  But she’s really smart, maybe it wouldn’t.  Oh no, now I have to think.  Now I’m exhausted.  And in the midst of all this thinking she sent me an RL as added incentive, so kind.  What’s a girl to do?  
Thank you, H 🌷

Dear Diary,

I think I just overheard BT talking things over with A and how I should start some thread.  I don’t think BT knows she’s too nice and giving me too much street cred.  Plus she came bearing an RL gift it was so kind and so appreciated.  And the beat goes on...
Thank you. H 🌷

Ahavati's Diary: Star Date 98484.82 ( for real, I calculated it on Star Trek's Stardate Calculator)

It appears that Honoria feels a bit intimidated by venturing into the Soeakeasy forum to start a thread. Perhaps it's a misperception that she will have to respond to each post respectively; however, that is not the case.

I am conferring with Counselor Troi ( in the mirror ) about methods which will reveal that Honoria simply has to start the thread ( being it was her concept ), and the membership will do the rest.

I will keep you updated as regularly as possible.

Dear Diary,

I think I just made contact with the inter galactic diary of Ahavati! It was super “space-y”. I totally dug it. I don’t know she’s still trying to convince me it’s easy to start some thread thing even from space. I’ll have to send a shooting star to find out some more deets. I think she knows Cap’n Kirk! Or is it Cap’n Crunch? Either way, I am honored by the support! Thank you. H🌷

Keep writing, Honoria.  Some days are better than others.

Dear Diary,

I just got a love note from L and he was soooo kind in encouraging me to keep writing.  I don’t know????? He’s right though.  Some days are better than others. This one not so much but I guess I’ll heed his advice. He’s a super good writer, he would know.
Thank you. H 🌷

Dear Diary,

ALERT!  ALERT!  We’ve had a breach!!  Someone named SARGE has infiltrated the lock and stolen the key and now he knows...he knows I yell at people when I NEVER run and he knows I’m a wanna be hippie.  OMG!  Running for the hills but not before I send him a thank you for the sweet comments and thoughtful RL he left behind.  That was nice.  Thank you. H 🌷

Dear Diary,

Tonight I actually got to go OUT to a meeting with real people instead of little squares on a screen. It was nice, even though I did a piss-poor job of explaining the financial info I had to report about. Fuck it - how many ways are there to say our ship is sinking and it's time to wake up??

It's pretty hard to care about that shit anyway, with my kid having major surgery in 5 days. I have to keep my mind busy so I don't make up horror stories about losing him to anaesthetic gone wrong or massive blood loss or something. It'll be fine. Hopefully it'll work to keep the Crohn's at bay.

I've started on that damn calorie-counter app again. Need to regain some good habits... all I've been doing is stress-eating carbs and cheese. (Crap, now I'm hungry.) I just signed up for a 10k race though, in honour of that guy who got killed by a drunk driver while running. He was a really good guy. If I had known him better, I know I would have had a major crush on him. Probably good I never got that opportunity. His wife & kids are awesome too. I wonder how they're doing... Anyway, the point is I'll burn off some of the cheese, training for the run.

Well, that's probably enough rambling for tonight. I'm sorry I haven't written for so long, Diary. I came across this awesome poem called Dear Diary and it reminded me of you... we used to talk so much! Anyway, the poet thinks her poem is dumb and says she's going to delete it but I hope she doesn't. I know what it's like though... sometimes I write things that I think are ridiculous but then all kinds of people really like it, and I'm like, "WTF is wrong with you people, this is absolute trash!!" Oh well. You never can tell what people will connect with. People are so weird. That's what makes them awesome though, most of the time. Anyway, I said I was gonna shut up so I'll do that now. It's bedtime.
Goodnight!
k

Dear Diary,

After a long day filled with snooping and reading diaries everyone left lying around I read another incredible entry by BT.  She was writing about making contact with humans. Like in person humans.  It was weird. I didn’t know what to think.  But it gets a bit nerve wracking because her son has to have an operation so I’ll be praying for everything to come out fine and he’s up and around in no time!  But I sure do feel awful about it because I know too well that feeling of the great medical unknown.  Prayers prayers and more prayers.  I think she and I might be twins because we both like cheese.  I love cheese.  It’s really yummy.  I especially love it because it’s caused me to NOT fit in my clothes.  But she’s said something about a 10k race.  I think that means running.  I don’t understand her meaning there?  It was unclear to me.  Does that mean she’s running?  Like legs have to run?  I’m confounded by that but I’m sure something will clear up about it.
Well, all I know is she took the time from her worry to bring me an RL and a flattering comment and I was really grateful.  Prayers and thank you. H 🌷

I like that you spoke freely and said some things many of us may be afraid to admit or let alone write. It's real, it's what a lot of us think of doing and have done, you can tell by the number of RLs.

Honesty sometimes gets us in trouble, it frees the soul but its sure as hell can be a pain.

This is one of those liberating writes that has it all, honesty, humor and most of all, down right truth.

Bravo.

Dear Diary,

I read the most interesting entry from W. He totally gets the pain of being “in truth” about matters that are painful to recall. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone in that feeling.
I think he may have been a smidge over generous in his compliments but I’m really flattered and to boot he left me an RL which is top notch cool. I was so honored by it luckily he couldn’t see me blush. Thank you so much. H🌷

Dear Diary

While everyone else was eating turkey with all of the fixings today, I was eating my traditional holiday pizza. It's not a holiday in this house unless we have pizza delivered. (Even if it's ordered the night before and the left over pizza slices are stored in the refrigerator overnight when the pizza place is scheduled to be closed for the holiday.)

The pizza was delicious just as was the butterfinger ice cream smothered in caramel sauce, that I had for dessert.

Now all of this talk about food is making me hungry again. I have had that wonderful apple pie that's sitting in the refrigerator looking obviously lonely on my mind for hours. Perhaps, I should get it out and dive right into it.

It was a good Thanksgiving spent here with my little terrier. We ate and took long naps. Now, we're tired and our bellies are full and we are feeling grateful for everything especially for friends like Honoria who writes cool stuff  like this we loved to read. We think she really rocks! Really, we do!

Dear Diary,

I was meant to delete my diary like five days ago. Naturally, I forgot. But it turns out it was a good thing I forgot because I caught a glimpse of my friend FM’s entry. She had Thanksgiving pizza and ice cream! Honest to god that sounds like the most delicious meal ever! Wished I was there instead.

I know she was super busy during her day and still managed to drop in and bring me a very honored RL. It was such a kind thing to do. She’s always saying nice things about me and my poems. It’s too thoughtful really. Thank you so much! H🌷

Dear R,

LOL and thank you for the honor of RL. I appreciate your comment, a lot. That is very kind. I highly doubt I’ll ever feel polished like everyone here but I am inspired to get better after each read by one and all. Thank you again. H🌷

*entry for 2/4/21
Dear Diary,
It might seem weird or slightly 'off' that I'm reusing your lovely pages as a sounding board, I know. However, someone wanted to know the history of my car accident / tumor /plastic surgery sob story, so in complete and utter laziness, I gave them the link for this poem and told them to just read my entry, I'm pathetic!!
uggghz.. I know it... shameful..! 🙄😏
Damn... *wry chuckle*... I was having a conversation about this story because I'm STILL not 100% finished. My (supposed) last surgery is for Tuesday the 9th @ 9am and I can hardly wait. It's barley a surgery, just some Halcyon and nitrous oxide... haha.. but enough to warrant having to have a chaperone to drive me.  That's always an issue when the appt is so early, my mom doesn't really drive anymore and I'm a dreaded singleton who's not had a good date in more than a year, much less a willing chaperone to drive me to have oral surgery done. haha!! I wish there was an app for 'pseudo boyfriends/husbands "... so you could "swipe right" and order yourself an extremely easy on the eyes hottie who could drive you places or kill that bug that makes me go all girly.... hahaha... sigh... it's THOSE little things, I miss from being a couple. That, and a zillion more. Rereading this post has some of those same questions and worries flaring (about the ending of my surgical process) I hope they don't intensify as surgery day grows closer. I am appreciative of your pages, diary, and that you hold these insecurities of mine as well as pinch of levity, too ... It's a very much needed incognito unload and I'm feeling lighter and less stressed just leaving it here... for now, anyway.....lol
Tell H, she need not worry about replying and she's lovely and she's hysterical and she's one of my favorites here!!... haha! #Truth
-until next time
💜
(Ty Honoria 😉)
xoxo

Dear Diary,

My friend, BV, just wrote an entry that is as real as it gets. As per, I only listened with one ear because I thought her surgeries and dr visits were all wrapped up. But nope! She’s got another and feeling a bit anxious about it. I wish I could successfully impart the future for her and that the agita she’s feeling isn’t necessary but I know how she feels not having a hottie to drive her to her appt and just that strong arm to hang onto. Especially to kill bugs.
Seriously, especially the bugs they’re so disgusting.
All that aside, it was really great that she did a diary dump to rid herself of some of the heavy load of crap she’s experiencing. If only I was a real witch with actual spells I would conjure up that hottie for her. Meanwhile, all I can offer is a metric ton of positive vibes. Ick. That sounds so lame but I really mean it!
A ton of hugs and speedy recovery! Xo
Well diary, I’m signing off for now. That laundry won’t fold itself damn it.

Love,
Honoria

*giggling
Ty, H
*big hugs*
(I loathe folding!)
🌹
🐝

Dear Diary

I didn't get much sleep because I had a lot going on in my head. I ended up playing a tetris like game because it's a guilty pleasure.

Yet distractions can only distract you for so long. Yesterday I had to play a weird political game. I said one thing which got blown out of proportion, which created a chain reaction of people being on my case. My character came into question which honestly I don't care about. People can think whatever they want about me.

However when I got called a liar, I was ready to burn bridges. I didn't care any more, it's strange how calm yet have a overbearing presence I can be when I'm angry. My life may have backtracked a bit but that doesn't mean any opportunity I receive should be used against me.

Well in the end, I just said I'm wrong to kill the conflict. I may be down right now but I won't let anyone kick me, I'm just resting a little before I get back up.

All I did was try to keep someone I care about from stressing even more than they are now. Online work is hard to keep up without an income to pay internet bills. People have bigger problems in the world, I still have something to eat and a roof over my head.

So here I am stuck in my head again, writing to you. I sure hope I get a breakthrough soon.

Dear Diary,

Today I read one of the most honest and touching entries ever. This really nice poet I’ve been reading on the poetry site made an entry in his diary. I just happened to be looking over his shoulder when he was writing (so I read it. What’s a girl to do? Not sneak a peak?)

I could whole heartedly relate to the situations he was experiencing but what was singularly the most breathtaking response was his resolve to admit he was feeling blue but not defeated. His gratitude for what he had was placed before his lament for what he didn’t have in that moment.

I thought that was a hugely gorgeous reminder for me to suck it up every time I’m feeling out of sorts because my ocean is ebbing. Not to forget my ocean will tide again I just have to be thankful. His attitude and hope were a message of great importance and I was so glad I looked, even if I shouldn’t have.

I know things will swing around right for him and soon. It’s that grey matter in between the swinging that seems to take forever. His entry was a lovely one and I want to thank him for writing it. 😊
H🌷

So I'm late to this therapy group.  Lol.

I LOVE reading about people's routines.  I don't watch TV much, so my stimulation is reality and reading/writing.  And although we all do not have identical struggles, we all have the thoughts and emotions of struggles.  It makes us fit in with the wallowing in the pool of humanity.  So, even as you wrote about the yucky parts of your day, there are others reading it, and feeling less alienated and alone.  

Now, where's Part II?

Dear S,

You’re right on time. We all know therapy is ongoing, never ending. And welcome to the party!!

I really appreciate your thoughtful insights regarding the activities of daily living for our fellow brethren. Ironic isn’t it? We all isolate ourselves from what we perceive as huge issues and yet we’re all bonded in one big problem. Together.
Ho hum.

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I’m so glad for them today. H🌷