When it rains..

There is something that I've been meaning to tell you.
And lately, it has eaten me up inside..
Little bit by little bit, it reminds me of how wrong this is.
How wrong I have made this.

That little something inside your head, that lets you know your still living,
Has followed me like a dark cloud. It hovers. It wont go away.
And when it rains, It falls hard like nails against my skin.  
But the stinging sensation is all I have left of this guilt.

And telling you seems like one of the biggest mistakes.
the biggest one I will ever make.
So I put it off.
But by ignoring this I would be lying.
And I never meant for this too happen.
and hurting you was never my intention.

Love is a funny word.
I think that it is used too much.
In my case, not enough.
Even though it is only a 4 letter word,
It's one of the hardest words i have ever had to say.
Ever had to force myself to say.
And to hear.

I love you. I promise you that much.
Which is why I do not understand this!
You know that dark cloud, That dark cloud  is him.
His face follows me, always in my head.
Right there beside you.
And lately, it's always raining.
But now I feel like i'm drowning.

I do not know how this happened.
Or why it happened now.
But this is a feeling that I can't shake
and as your disappearing,
I hope you heared what I've been trying to say.
but the truth is. I dont know what i want.
And perhaps i never will.

and this may be too much to ask of you.
and this much i don't expect of you
But i will always love you.
even if i have a different way of showing it.
even if i am confused. i know that this is real
hold onto me. always. dont let me go.

i'll sort myself out i promise ..