deepundergroundpoetry.com
A CITY REVISITED
A CITY REVISITED
That city was my most admired one
when l saw there my uncle and his son,
and my aunt was so kind to cook her meal.
It was her pleasure with her guests to deal.
All those nice people loved me as a child
and formed the city where l would abide.
I went last year to find their homes were closed.
I felt it was not any more my world.
What are you, places, but what people make.
A city void of kin will cause me ache.
You can send me to the deserted moon
with whom l love and they make it Eden.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
That city was my most admired one
when l saw there my uncle and his son,
and my aunt was so kind to cook her meal.
It was her pleasure with her guests to deal.
All those nice people loved me as a child
and formed the city where l would abide.
I went last year to find their homes were closed.
I felt it was not any more my world.
What are you, places, but what people make.
A city void of kin will cause me ache.
You can send me to the deserted moon
with whom l love and they make it Eden.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 30th Oct 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Oct 2020 9:27pm
1st Nov 2020 5:18pm
No, dear Baldwin, because you damage the rhythm, rhyme, and the inside feeling of the poem. Thank you for your understanding.
30th Oct 2020 9:40pm
1st Nov 2020 1:08am
Beautifully rendered, with terrific gravity, lent mellifluous equipoise by your elegance of form.
1st Nov 2020 9:05am
Thank you very much, Daniel, for the great encouragement you give me. It gives me a great impetus to write more.
1st Nov 2020 5:01pm
"and my aunt was so kind to cook her meal."
Don't you mean "and my aunt was so kind to cook our meals"?
Why would she be any kind of "kind" if what she did was to cook **one** meal **for hersel** (which is what your syntax makes you say she did)?
Moreover, these lines"
"You can send me to the deserted moon
with whom l love and they make it Eden.:
should have been written something like
You COULD send me to the all deserted moon
but still, as long as I was with those whom I love
their presence there would Eden rough Selene
to transform then from a series of syntactically and grammatically awkward statements into something
far more poetic.
Please stop telling me how you feel about things and show me what it's like to feel what you feel.
Don't you mean "and my aunt was so kind to cook our meals"?
Why would she be any kind of "kind" if what she did was to cook **one** meal **for hersel** (which is what your syntax makes you say she did)?
Moreover, these lines"
"You can send me to the deserted moon
with whom l love and they make it Eden.:
should have been written something like
You COULD send me to the all deserted moon
but still, as long as I was with those whom I love
their presence there would Eden rough Selene
to transform then from a series of syntactically and grammatically awkward statements into something
far more poetic.
Please stop telling me how you feel about things and show me what it's like to feel what you feel.
1st Nov 2020 5:22pm
No, dear Baldwin, because you damage the rhythm, rhyme, and the inside feeling of the poem. Thank you for your comment and your understanding.
1st Nov 2020 5:27pm
1st Nov 2020 5:39pm
Yes, it does.
1- MealS doesn't rhyme with deaL.
2- It's not OUR MEALS. She is not A COOK. It's her meal, and she accepts us as her guests.
1- MealS doesn't rhyme with deaL.
2- It's not OUR MEALS. She is not A COOK. It's her meal, and she accepts us as her guests.
Leaving aside the question of whether "meals" does nor rhyme with deal (and whether you've written to get a rhyme rather than to make sense), did your aunt cook one meal for herself or for others? And did she do this only once?
1st Nov 2020 7:49pm
Your argument is really strange.
1- In my poem, l used TO DEAL. Why should l change the whole line to make it DEALS and to rhyme with mealS? Just because Baldwin says so. Is this poem Baldwin's, or mine. Please, Baldwin, be reasonable for once. I write rhythmic poetry, and not prose.
1- In my poem, l used TO DEAL. Why should l change the whole line to make it DEALS and to rhyme with mealS? Just because Baldwin says so. Is this poem Baldwin's, or mine. Please, Baldwin, be reasonable for once. I write rhythmic poetry, and not prose.
"Your argument is really strange.
1- In my poem, l used TO DEAL. Why should l change the whole line to make it DEALS and to rhyme with mealS? "
I wonder if anyone here can tell me where in my last message I made an argument, let alone said, that "deal" should be changed to "deals"?
I asked a question, namely, Did the Aunt that Joseph speaks of in his submission above cook one meal for herself or for others? And did she do this only once?
How on earth is his reply to this in any way an answer to what I asked him?
And by the way, how does
and my aunt was so kind to cook our meals
destroy the "rhythm" of your line?
1- In my poem, l used TO DEAL. Why should l change the whole line to make it DEALS and to rhyme with mealS? "
I wonder if anyone here can tell me where in my last message I made an argument, let alone said, that "deal" should be changed to "deals"?
I asked a question, namely, Did the Aunt that Joseph speaks of in his submission above cook one meal for herself or for others? And did she do this only once?
How on earth is his reply to this in any way an answer to what I asked him?
And by the way, how does
and my aunt was so kind to cook our meals
destroy the "rhythm" of your line?
