Vampires Suck

 
Last week, as I walked home alone late at night,
I came across a dark figure in the shadows,
When it came in full view under the streetlight,
It was a woman dressed mostly in black clothes.
 
She had pale skin, jet black hair and red lips,
Like a luminous scarlet with so much appeal,
But this chick had curves, according to her hips,
I could tell this woman didn’t miss her meals.
 
“Are you all by yourself?” she said in a low tone,
With a raspy voice I thought she’d ask for a cigarette,
“Yes” I responded, “but my lady is waiting at home”,
That’s when she revealed a tight crimson corset.
 
“Wow, look at those” I said baffled inside my head,
But it seemed as if this person could read my mind,
“Look into my eyes” she said filling me with dread,
I felt a chilling shiver up and down my spine.
 
She smiled and that’s when I noticed something vile,
Her incisors were getting longer by the second,
Her smokey eyes now had a more cunning guile,
This woman was a vampire, I began to reckon.
 
“Come closer” her voice was casting some spell,
“I don’t want to” I said fearing for my life,
She said: “I can summon demons out of hell!’
And I replied: “Bitch you don’t know my wife!
 
…She will have my nuts in her hands
The moment she smells the likes of you,
And if that’s something you can’t understand,
If you bite me then I am royally screwed!”
 
“I am six hundred years old!” so she claimed,
Her voice was unsettling and so dang drastic,
“I can take anyone I want!” she exclaimed,
To which I said: “Great, that’s just fangtastic.”
 
“Look, here’s the deal, I know I’m just another meal,
You’re kind of hot and I’m just some poor old goof,
I’m not in the best of health and so I must reveal,
My cholesterol level is through the roof…”
 
Before I could finish my sentence, she lunged at me,
Sucking at my neck while I screamed “WHAT THE FUCK?
Bitch! I did not consent to this, it’s 2020”
And that’s the reason why I think vampires suck.
 
Then I had to go home and explain the bite marks.
 
The End
 
Next week: She-Wolf Shenanigans