There Are No Bridges to Disconnect
"Let me guess. You want to know why I tried to kill myself.
You want to know how I survived. Why I disappeared. Where I've been all this time. But first, why I tried to kill myself, right?
It's OK. People do. They measure themselves against me. It's like this line is drawn somewhere in the world and if you never cross it, you'll never consider throwing yourself off a building or swallowing a bottle of pills - but if you do, you might.
People figure I crossed the line. They ask themselves, "Could I ever get as close as he did?"
The truth is, there is no line. There's only your life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you.
Or who isn't."
"For One More Day"
What are pathways? The ways and the knowings aren't always easy to understand. We walk in mists of darkness towards an unknown future...having faith that love, beauty, and peace will all be there. Through sunlight and darkness we wander...there's no staying behind. Simple really, the same rules apply for everyone: time goes on and one day you die - everything else has been called a crap shoot. I wouldn't go that far...but I've gone farther than I ever imagined I could go.
I don't say anything of any special knowledge. There's good breaks and bad. Some people can handle some things that others can't. Not really much on my mind today about the folks that are still walking in sunlight, I've had shadows on my mind. Some folks break all at once, shattered, and the pieces lie scattered everywhere and can never be put back together again. Some people fade, the things they once knew simply blurring into a distance that can't be regained. Others wake to the reality one day, like a last conscious thought, that the things that they once could control now control them...and some simply drown.
I know that everyone knows disappointments, heartbreak, the lonely hours...shame and embarrassment too. That's another of life's rules.
There's a point though where sometimes everything loses focus. Lines blur. Hearts fail. Dreams die.
At least sometimes. For some people.
There can be a place past feeling hollow and being numb. A dark place, for evil has it's garden too...and an entrance to it's tomb.
I know losing control. And blurring lines. And being controlled in the end...in a place where there are no pathways. I don't know how to explain many things.
What explanation is there when things cease to be rational? When you lose control and wake up to the realization of being controlled and everything else spinning away from you. Away from view and there's nothing left to hold onto.
How do you explain that darkness is a weight too? It's a brand and a scar. And having touched it, always having the thought buried in the back of your mind, wondering some moments if you could ever go back there?
There are many places you can't go. The bridges are burned. Lives have moved on.
The way back to the light is twice as far. Twice as hard. Just an uphill climb and the things that held you down don't let go.
It's strange, that point in time when everything is laid bare. When there's only one thing left to lose besides your mind. It's like your a thought free floating and looking down on yourself...because there's no feeling left, just a choice. People make countless choices everyday, mostly without thinking. Here there's no direction. No way to turn, no right and wrong, only to be...do I want to BE. It's a surreal question for an irrational mind. There are no bridges to disconnect.
Sometimes we just fail in spite of abuse and accidents and last "conscious" decisions to end the pain...and we go on. We wake up somehow, somewhere and find we're still here. It's no longer a question of do I want to BE. You just ARE. Some cosmic chance has happened and you've been refused exit from the pain.
Some people don't take no for an answer.
Some people do.
There are miracles in hell, just as there's hell on earth.
It's strange to feel again. You've been so numb to pain to wake up to it again is almost like a new sensation. One that calls you back to the dark. That would take you back to that place. That choice.
They say many soldiers won't talk about combat but not every war takes place on a battlefield. And not many speak of this fight. Something always gets left behind in war. People never come back the same. It's not about coming back to love, beauty, and peace at first. It's just one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
And some day, somehow you see a single ray of sunlight in your wilderness again...
It's being accepted by someone again...after being no one to anyone for so long.
And accepting responsibility for your past.
Accepting responsibility for being.
And believing again, that there can be a future...