deepundergroundpoetry.com

Irritability

" Freedom is nothing but departure- setting forth - leaving things behind, brave origination of the courage to be new."   - Robert Frost
 
Irritability constantly seeps
into my emotions,
Sometimes I don't see it
invade the thoughts of
bunnies and harshness.

Transforms into several forms
Reflecting horrible memory after horrible memory.

This irritability refuses to be silenced.
It disturbs my nights and days.
It feels like there is no excuse;
even when I attempt to ease it with self care and meditation.

But it offers only moments of peace and that,
The pursuit of peace that exhausts me.  

Irritable because I was charmed by a coward;
so much so that I fell for the games and
phantom person who instead was cruel and false.

He had sociopathic and machiavellian traits
to name a couple
that threaten me the most.

His severe distortion of his self- love
how it mirrors my own flawed person.
Become angry with myself for not trusting in my intuition
It spoke warnings.  

Irritated that he isn't capable of being the
phantom person he portrayed so convincingly.

It's an irritable sadness
over something that was built out of smoke
While it leaves me ashamed and angry,
he feels no shame, empathy or remorse.

The fallout of this is a heavy burden on my mind.  
Due to his lack of empathy and sympathy for anyone
Except himself
Complicating our intimate connections
Making them a ghost as well
Something that could not exist within him

Giving me a connection that was only a illusion
but I believed in its existence at one time or another.
He's capability in forming loving and
caring relationships was
never something he was capable of.  

His violent mood swings made my own emotional instability more pronounced
interacting increasingly difficult.

 It angers me that he has left me more
Critical of others than I was before him.
That he changed me
 
Recognizing that its this
Anger and consistent depressed irritability that
keep me isolated and alone,
he's using that against me
At every opportunity.  

Anger and restlessness never leaves me in peace
Because im with him
Further fucked up coping with all of it.

The isolated silence eats away at my sanity
A threat looming over me.
As if he is a parasite and it hasn't left my mind.  

His exploitive and ruthless behavior towards me
Spilling onto some others in his life
Leaves me feeling overwhelmed.
The power struggle was irritating
Not what I expected or wanted.

I desired equality
But he was never willing or
Capable of having such a relationship.

His need for control and dominance leaves me
Confused and despondent.
Confused as to why I settled down for this relationship.

I don't think I'll understand why he chooses to be a leach sucking happiness, self-worth and energy.
The trauma bonds he
maliciously made with me
make it seem like he hasn't stopped.
Jadedembers
Written by Jadedembers (Starving Demons)
Published | Edited 23rd Oct 2020
Author's Note
The trauma bonds and the irritation I dealt with in my relationship with the wrong guy.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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