deepundergroundpoetry.com

Dark Lover

You despise me, don't you? You can't understand my shame, and loathing, and disgust.  
-Daphne Du Maurier
 
We showed each other our scars  
Told of our wounds  
Pulled our skeletons out of their shady hideaways  
To connect on an intimate level
Or so I believed
 
It was a game he held close to the chest  
A secret from his target  
Playing by a hidden custom set of deplorable rules
Rules too outrageous it twists the mind into knots  
Evading common understanding
His motives dressed up as benevolent
 
Cold blooded and animalistic beneath his skin  
Ruthless and chilling
Relentlessly selfish without a conscious
Paranoid because his fables tell on him  
 
Survival had me creating my own deceptions
Submission meant survival  
Save for a bold and rebellious streak  
 
Sociopathic manipulations chase whatever is wanted without a moral compass
Destroying whatever and whomever doesn't move out of the way
Compromises ridiculed and slaughtered  
Controlling and hostile  
 
Survival had me creating my own deceptions
Submission meant survival  
Save for a bold and rebellious streak  
 
Building my defense in solitude  
A shrewd and effective defender
Handling my emotions with some imperfection Mostly when I am defeated and alone  

The cost was high but fighting was the only way I'd take  
Willing my freedom to come my way
 
The vunerable connection I thought we made was dirt thrown on top of the pine box I was trapped within  
Captive because of insights, wounds, rebellion and scars  
 
A vulnerably and freely gave all of me to you
Hoping to be united and safe  
Together in love
 
Becoming a door mat because I believed in the golden rule guiding his life too  
Learning the necessity of sometimes treating him like he treated me  
 
Survival had me creating my own deceptions
Submission meant survival  
Save for a bold and rebellious streak  
 
He kept using the vunerable connection I once believed we had to manipulate and dominate me  
 
He relies on his need to manipulate and construct chaos to drain you dry  
A formidable enemy that is part of the evil in this world
 
A moral compass never existed in his world  
Silent and non-existent
Compassion is something that eludes his understanding  
Yours truly was guided by shame and guilt and a hope of family and love  
Instead everything I thought we built was only embracing loathing and disgust
Jadedembers
Written by Jadedembers (Starving Demons)
Published | Edited 1st Oct 2020
Author's Note
A reflection on my marriage with a sociopathic narcissist, and how far I've come on my journey to be healthy and happy
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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