I Was Afraid to Claim You As Mine

I dug my nails into your skin
Salivating over each tender wound,
Spiraling deeper into your madness
Even as you cried out
For me to abandon all hope.

I couldn't stop chasing your rabbit trails...

Your sandpaper hands etched many a poetic song in my skin,
And your velvet voice cooed dizzying love spells and ballads,
Sending me reeling into an intoxicated state of mind.
You were my endless sea of walking artistry.
So proud and crude, yet humble and gentle.
The splendor of a peacock roosting in a royal garden,
But with the heart of a lover and a servant.

I dragged you to your knees just to leave you waiting.
Driven mad and running in circles bleeding for me
Only for me to drown us both in my own misery.
Every arrogance has been ripped from my shoulders
As every truth I've ever known has been revealed a lie.

You saw straight through me and read me like a book.
I shivered every time you turned my pages
Skin to paper, lips to skin, as you murmured your truths into my bare soul.
I mock my own once proud standard of myself...
Because now as this horrible year drags on,
I've finally been brought to my knees.

Thief.
Spoiled.
Addict.
Whore.
Hypocrite.
Coward.
Arrogant.
Failure as a woman.
Hopeless as a mother.

I found and followed you through the darkest and most horrid hell,
But the flames licked my wounds and gave me life.
You gave me the best love I ever had,
And I threw you away in a vain attempt to guard my heart.

I still ache for you,
Still pine for you,
Still long to feel your soul next to mine.
But I'll sit here and lie in this bed of lies I've made.
I've broken myself one too many times.
I have nothing left.

Even as this piece of writing dwindled from intricate design
To rambling, emotional chaos...

I have nothing.
I am nothing.