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What life would be to live happily??

The want, need, the desire to be somewhere or even something in life. Someone's mother, lover or even someones wife. Longing for the unconditional love from a child. Just the tender thought makes my heart grin and smile.
Walking through this journey we call life on my own. Searching for true happiness that most often leaves me lost and alone.
Older and older I grow everyday. Day after night, night after day, thriving for true happiness that so far away. What would life be to live so happily?
Seems the more you want something in life the more likely your not going to receive, the harder you try the least likely to achieve. But its the moment you give up, so unexpectedly, it just happens on its own just so naturally you see...

Unfortunately in this sense I have personally experienced, I wanted so badly a child to conceive, trying so hard trying daily, What would life be to live so happily, till one day I just gave up completely. Little did I know a month goes by or so just out of the blue all my wishes surprisingly came true. I got what I thought would make me the most happy, not the slightest thought it would later be stripped away from me leaving my heart to internally bleed...

I remember laying in the hard jacuzzi tub with what should have been water now just full of blood, in so much pain and agony, praying to God for this to not be my reality. 'Please lord!!' I pray 'Please lord!!' I plead 'Please lord, anything, just dont take my baby!!'...

For I finally got what I thought would forever unconditionally love me, for me to love, to cherish to raise successfully. Thinking I'll finally know What would life be to live so happily. But there I lay over Half way through the entire pregnancy. Laying in a tub full of blood feeling all the pains of labor, just so devastated wishing there was some way I could have saved her...

I feel like I'm a good person who tries to be selfless. I try making good decisions and keep from being rebellious. There's no ice on my heart that needed to melt. So why have I been dealt the hand I've been dealt??...

Sometimes I wonder if I've been searching for my happiness so hard, that maybe I've been blind to it looking in the wrong place or looking too far. I wonder how many time true happiness has been right in front of me yet overlooked or too blind to even see. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I dont and won't ever get that lucky. What would life be to live so happily?? Im beginning to think I don't really know what would make me happy. I have no future to foresee. I have no hopes or goals for a successful future me. Its almost as if im just waking everyday breathing in the air of a world of make believe. Because its hard to believe this life could really be me and my reality. This couldn't possible be this life I'm actually living...

So here I am just living life one day at a time. Just getting through it all without a future in mind. But I promise I surely will be fine. I wont lie, there truly are no goals I strive. I just simply stay alive, and life issues I easily pacify with a twinkle always in my eye. I keep my head held high with no tears to shed no more tears to cry. Just living content here for others to satisfy wondering What life would be to live so happily...

~JD
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JessD842
Written by JessD842
Published
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