Mr Intolerant

I feel I’m surrounded by idiots,
everyone asks me stupid questions.
Please won’t you fuck off and die,
I don’t care about your suggestions.

Stop this incessant whining,
cease and desist you little cretin.
Go soak your head in a sink,
and give your hair a wetten.

Why do you insist on show and tell,
to piss me off from a distance.
I don’t care if there’s a nail in your hand,
or even about your existence.

Leave me in peace,
or I’ll leave you in pieces.
Close your mouth please,
before my fury increases.

If someone broke into my house with a gun,
I couldn’t give two shits.
Just fuck off please and go away,
or blow my brain into bits.

You see you think you’re special,
but to me you’re just an inconvenience.
I’m not asking you to be polite,
or looking for your lenience.

Even if I get a parcel,
I get pissed off with the mailman knocking on the door.
Stop fucking banging you prick,
or I’ll put you in the floor.

When a child tries to speak to me,
all I hear is noise.
Please run along now,
go play with your fucking toys.

“Do you have games on your phone?”
“No I don’t but I’ve got something better!”
“What’s that?” asks the child,
“It’s a pen to write me a letter!”

So off goes this little cunt,
to write about something stupid.
And off I walk in the opposite direction,
because kids are fucking putrid.

And don’t stop me and ask for the time,
just buy a fucking watch.
I’m not asking for a fucking miracle here,
just keep it down a notch.

I try not to listen to people too much,
so if they ask me something I just guess.
A taxi driver asked me where I wanted to go,
and I just answered ‘Yes’.

The mistake you’re making,
is that you think I care.
You’re just inconveniencing me,
I’ve got nothing to share.

“Which way is the hospital” someone asked,
with a dart sticking out their head.
‘Don’t know or care’ I responded,
I just wish I was in bed.

There was an explosion on the motorway,
some died so everyone’s filled with grief.
When I hear that loud bang yesterday,
I just gritted my teeth.

I just hate loud noises,
and I don’t think that’s a sin.
If you disagree with me – it’s fine,
just get in the fucking bin.

I want to live in a mountainous cave,
somewhere out the way.
But I just know some cunt will find his way up there,
to ruin my fucking day.

“Do you need supplies?” He’ll ask,
thinking he’s doing me a favour.
Your life is a temporary contract you dick,
and you just signed the waiver.

I don’t have time for your antics,
please leave me well alone.
I don’t care that you’re injured,
or that you’ve broken a bone.

Everyone just needs to calm the fuck down,
and stop getting so fucking loud.
Where the hell is all the teargas when you need it,
to disperse this noisy crowd.

I don’t have a political agenda,
I just want you all to shut it.
If you keep waving that finger in my face,
I’ll find somewhere else to put it.

Even if a terrorist,
jumped out of nowhere to blow us up.
He’d probably do some screaming before,
and I’d ask him to shut up.

It’s not a big ask,
so let’s not make this a huge deal.
It’s not an arduous task,
to keep your mouth sealed.

If I try to do my shopping,
and a child begins to shout.
I don’t care what’s in my basket,
you know I’m walking out.

A police car flew past me last week,
with sirens on full-blast.
I chased after them at high speed to pull them over,
“will you keep it down?” – I asked.

I just really hate loud sounds,
so cut me some fucking slack.
If you stop me for directions,
you can expect a brutal slap.

That’s why I love old movies;
because there was no technology to record speech.
You’re thirsty for water – I understand,
but have you ever considered bleach?

It doesn’t make me ’grumpy’,
it doesn’t make me ‘mean’.
Try putting up with stupid questions every day,
you’ll get what I mean.

You’re not fucking special,
stop acting so offended.
Right, left or centre – it doesn’t matter,
some silence would be splendid.

I don’t care someone robbed you,
ran off with your designer purse.
If you keep screaming like that for too long,
you’ll end up in a hearse.

Even the library won’t let me in anymore,
because when someone tried to put down a book.
It made a bang so I waltzed right over there,
and politely asked him to ‘shut up’.

Apparently that was inflammatory,
so now I’ve been fucking banned.
But I don’t care if I’m not there,
because I’ve got something planned.

I merely tried to keep the peace,
and for that I’ve now been spurned.
So when the librarian comes into work tomorrow,
he’ll find his bookshop burned.

The quiet is quite perfect,
give it a try and see.
They should impose a talking charge,
so bullshit came with a fee.

If it started costing people to be stupid,
this world might be far less dense.
People might listen to reason,
and I’d certainly feel less tense.

In my poetry there are a lot of jokes,
and I know some twat will take it to heart.
Just stop acting like you stand for anything -
stop being a little tart.