trauma

so this will be triggering for some
even hard for me to get into this safe space
to write this these memories I want to erase
I just want this pain to be done

I don't think I ever been a normal girl
I feel a part of my self was taken away at a young age
remembering all this makes me hurl
I was silent never spoke

maybe now that why people don't believe me
there's a lot I don't remember which is strange
I don't remember any threats that were made
I just remember the actions that were done

for some reasons, it's like I accepted any kind of affection
I accepted gifts then I would forget that anything ever happened
I remember having strange urges from a young age
these urges I couldn't control

I don't remember how it all started
I have few memories
some of coming to my room forcefully kiss
I remember playing with my doll she was so tall

I would play with her in a sexual way
a memory I got told is I would hit my private areas
I was bleeding
I didn't know what to say

didn't things get so normal that I would go looking for that affection
there were moments I tried to fight they would pull my arm
another memory I got told is when I told the person to leave me alone
of course, he made excuses for my behavior

the only memory I know very well is when it ended
I was really fighting I didn't want to go at all
he made me sit down on his lap
I don't want to at all

then the door opened
it was a light coming out of this darkness
where I was saved
the fears never disappeared

this was something that was not to spoken
so now you can understand why no one will believe me
to everyone now celebrate the life he had when he was alive
for me, he will always be this monster who toke a part of me

no child should suffer this fate
no that I'm older I have to say it's ok that what I do now is normal
also had talks with my inner self that were not stuck in this time
the time where we had no voice

I guess this was my way of coping suppressing everything
I didn't want to deal with it
I still don't but it keeps resurfacing
maybe god wants me to deal with it once and for all