deepundergroundpoetry.com
age of reason ..
outwardly calm, logical, possibly brilliant was the thought that brought him down being that
people, including himself, were essentially not up to the mark you he was out all night on the town
Published 20th Aug 2020
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likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 5
reads 552
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Aug 2020 2:58am
20th Aug 2020 4:21am
Oh...well done, Dart...nice to see the internal rhymes...subtle...not cute...
and always astute... Ely
and always astute... Ely
20th Aug 2020 1:41pm
I love the meandering rhythm, the circling back while moving forward, of words and meanings.
Had to read a few times and discovered something new each time.
I'd possibly get rid of the 'possibly' – it slows down the pace and breaks the powerful surge of the sequence:
'calm, logical, brilliant,'
and instead of 'essentially' I'd prefer 'in essence' (maybe just me, as a member of various writers' forums where adverbs get forever bashed on the head)
I'm struggling to get my head around the 'you' between 'mark' and 'he'...
'Out all night on the town' really nails it at the end, adding deeper meaning to the initial 'outwardly.'
Had to read a few times and discovered something new each time.
I'd possibly get rid of the 'possibly' – it slows down the pace and breaks the powerful surge of the sequence:
'calm, logical, brilliant,'
and instead of 'essentially' I'd prefer 'in essence' (maybe just me, as a member of various writers' forums where adverbs get forever bashed on the head)
I'm struggling to get my head around the 'you' between 'mark' and 'he'...
'Out all night on the town' really nails it at the end, adding deeper meaning to the initial 'outwardly.'
20th Aug 2020 10:40pm
21st Aug 2020 10:18pm
