I can't do this

Anxiety pounding through my brain making me so confused
I hide behind false walls trying to produce
Fake security

A pit in my stomach while I operate on my heart
Stop and start every flutter
My mind goes straight to the gutter

I mutter when I'm emotional
Because I can't seem to get the words to realise they want to be spoken

My throats dry borderline raspy
And I'm suffocating reaching for air gasping

I try so hard to suppress and tell myself I can get through it
But I had to be honest and say I can't use this pit

I breaking down in a cry I need a hug
but 6feet separates us

I let everyone down they had Faith when I had none I'm a joke
Im not ready they say they understand or do they think he just choked

Well if that's the thought then yeah I'm choking I'm gasping Im drowning with no confidence in anything I do
Everyone's nice and said I did great
I really let down my new crew

I sit-in my car and punch myself
I can't make a single toy I'm the saddest elf

Disappointing that's what I am
I thought I could do it, I thought I could be grand

Disappointing that's what I am
I thought I could do it, I thought I could be grand

They patted me on the back hyped me up but a pit started to grow
Compared me to a idol I respect
But I started to lose it going up and down every row

But I told myself to push (pussy keep going)
But losing faith with every complement I got
About to explode my brain picking up the anxiety like a mop

I'm sick to my stomach I still can't breathe and I'm in my car
Why and I so easy to scar

I dont want to drive I'm scared , I'm shaking, I'm twitching
Just sitting here writing this
I wish I could of shared to them what I'm feeling

I know I described it but I don't know if they actually get it
I'm trying to flick it off my shoulder and forget it

Pounding in my cheast and my brain
I almost hyperventilated
And passed out sitting in a seat had to stand up and catch my racing soul

I threw up not food but Green bile
Deep from my gut
I had to lay down to get my bearings to shut

I'm calming down but it's slow
And I'm really at a low
They want me to drive a pit and stow

I wanted to do it to impress myself but
I only ended up fucking my head up
Till she said your on your own just saying that was enough to set me off

My stomach churning like milk
But I'm no we're close to the smoothness of  butter
Especially when my lips stutter

I'm not ready that's what I sad
Being honest
But pushing my self just makes me nauseous

I feel worthless but I know I am not
But my insides are tied up in a knot
I'm picking at my brain trying to make it stop

Why am I so inscure with myself to where I can't even feel comfortable with do a simple action
They seem like they care from there reaction

Im searching for what is lost
I am rough as a sandpaper but I am not
Worth the cost

I am flawed and I let them down
Im sorry but how I feel is how I feel
I can't do it till I get the flawed part of me found