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As it is  (Just venting- 1)

This is just me venting out of frustration with the battle we all face: Love & relationships.
 
 
I want to tell you I love you  
but do I really love you?  
How can I love someone I barely know?  
....Barely know?!!  
 
I've been with you for over a year and, as it is, I hardly know you. Whilst, I know a few of your likes and dislikes I cannot say I Know you. Knowing someone takes spending time with someone and finding out their flaws and quirky oddities; which makes up the essence of them.
 
You have a wicked grip on me.  
How can this be?  
Who are you?  
What have you done to me?  
 
The girl once known not to stay in a trap, like this, yet here I sit trapped in this with you. I was once the girl who had to be in an established relationship before anything got too serious.
 
As it is, here we are:  
A little over a year and we're still not a couple. What are you waiting on? What am I waiting on? Why am I waiting? Why have I stayed? Why do I stay now? Each day I decay, in dismay, a little bit more and more. Becoming desolate and destitute wanting more and more .. of you? Why am I Stuck On You?  
 
I love you, that's why. Yes, I do. But I cant say im in love with you (or can I). How can I say im in love with you when we hardly speak or see each other and if we do, its usually a quicky or hurried screw. What does being IN love truly mean? What's the difference between-- love and in love? I conclude I am just being.  
 
That's not enough though. Not enough for me. I want to be ..yours. No, not owned by you. I want you to accept and experience all that I am. I want to accept and experience all that you are. I want a relationship with you. What or who has scared and scarred you? Is one year really not enough? For you to make a solid choice on what you want? If it IS me? Although, you've said so --with all of this-- I cannot believe, I have yet to see, the truth in your words (your lies?).
 
 
It's time you decide and tell me what side of the coin you have chosen. Is it heads-- where you flat out say that you want a relationship with me and want me to say as well too? Or tails-- where you bend and break and say it's over i'm ending everything with you?
 
Will, you finally make a decision?

 
 
 
I know he wont so it's up to me. I know it's up to me. It's always been me. My choice as to how long I have wanted this to last but the draw back was to conform to [his] will.
 
Am I such a fool for love (a fool in love?) that I'm blinded by him? Just love or in love with a guy that is just like any other guy-- afraid of commitment in the confines of an established relationship? Where have morals, principals and respect gone? We all know he doesnt take me seriously (maybe he does but how am I to know when he doesn't answer my questions; always deflecting). Yes, we know I deserve so much more (Any girl deserve more than this). Yes, of course i agree.  
 
As it is, one cannot kill passion, ablaze so bright. The light I feel is (seemingly) real,  that I am left to succumb to his wits and whims?  
 
Who knew?....  
If someone told me I'd be at this point with him, six months ago, I would have told them no way. Yet, as it is, here I am reluctant to stay and tired of this 'cat and mouse game'.

As it is, I am still here with you.. in this.. but Not for much longer.
Jordanne
Written by Jordanne (RubixCube)
Published
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