What A Mess We've Made

And as much as I hate him for not taking me
Taking control of me
Owning my life
Owning my will
Being my only reason
My #1 goal
My God
I wish that he was here with me. Right now.
Kissing my forehead
Binge watching anime with me
Why even give me your love just to have me take it away
You knew that whole one foot in one foot out bit you do was never going to work
Even more so why do you make me want revenge for it
I guess hypocrisy has always been easier
Then your absence
Then actually leaving you
For good
Because I always find my way back to you
In my dreams in all the replacement lovers I find to get over you they are all pieces of you that I have refused to part ways with because I am still enjoying them goddammit
Obviously, I’d rather torture us both
By having you doubt my loyalty
Every time I get sad or angry and feel like giving up
On you on my purpose.
All because of something you “never meant to do”
Why must I sabotage my integrity just to do behind your back what you so boldly do to my face
Just to try to feel better about enabling you and putting myself through all this grief.
Please don’t make me have to stop doing all those things I did for your sake
It is my only moral compass