Once again

The pain of misery and the misery of pain.
Dying once again, only myself I can blame.
Even though I have always wanted to die.
I’m not settled enough to say good-byes.
Suicidal for over half of my life time.
Deep concerns when I tell everyone I’m fine.
I guess I really wanted to grow old and frail.
But when tracks are broken the train will derail.
Is this finally my time, my time to let it all go?
Once again dazed and confused in life's shit show.
Better wishes and promises I should have made.
Perhaps even a prayer in hope God will save.
It’s getting darker now but there is that light.
Heavy breathing do I give in or continue to fight?