Left to Bottle Up My Hopes and Fears

I harbor a feeling that none of this is right
I hold onto a memory and pray for the night
I’m stuck in a rut that won’t let me out
I curse and I scream and I force a great shout
For no one is here to check on my soul
I’m half of this puzzle so far from a whole
The seconds turn to minutes then into this daze
I can’t see the sun I’m alone in this craze
I’ve made this bed see I’ve made my plan
You slipped so far from this stuttering hand
I wanna let go but I’m scared to end it all
There’s not too much farther for this man to fall
She said “leave me alone, you’re no good for my life”
So I sat by myself and I gathered my strife
“Look at me, is this what you wanted, a broken spirit, left to die?”
Would it make you happy if I go, would it even make you cry?
Bring on the pain for I seem to enjoy it
Show me the rain for I even employ it
How do you sleep? Do I enter your dreams?
Nightmares replacing the good as it seems
A crowded street has turned into one remaining man
Wondering through town without a real plan
Too stupid to call and too stupid to see
That all that is left is the surface of me
Reality sets in and I know that you’re gone
I hope night passes quickly and brings me the dawn
Can you understand the hurt that you left me to face?
As I slowly realize that I’m falling from grace
A shadow follows me around, dimly lit to fill my days
And yes I’ve come to terms that you’re set in your ways
Broken dreams, wasted tears and a smile turns to frown
But I never in my years thought that I would let you down
In my arms you would lay as I block out the bad
On my chest you would rest there’s no time for the sad
Life would just stop as I pull back your hair
As we lay in summers haze without a single care
I felt safe I felt warm with your rectifying touch
Even if we agreed not to let it mean that much
In the glow of the morning, we both awoke with a grin
As I gently kissed your eyes to let the day begin
Is this really a dream? Please let me lay still?
Cause right now it’s you that helps me uphill
Left to gather up my thoughts, there’s so many to tame
As I hear people talk and I cringe at your name
Where is the girl I would lay with in rain?
For my love it is you that is the pill to ease the pain
Emotions take over and I slowly drift to sleep
There’s no promises left, for me to keep
No one to hold but in dreams I see your face
When slumber takes over I’m headed off to a bad place
Tell me that you don’t even miss my touch
I held on so strong for you were my crutch
I’m past all the cries and the lies that we told
It’s the chronic truths in my mind that is making me old
I wished upon that last star till my hands were hurting
Should it be your mistake to of stopped me from flirting?
I don’t want to be alone but I sure hate a crowd
The silence is deafening but in my head it’s so loud
I venture outside but the sun is so strong
And why must I cry at all those sad songs
Your words were so harsh but your lips were so kind
I pray for the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
The blinds are now closed but I can still hear the dogs bark
The sun is now set, my favorite time is the dark
There comes a time when you must be true to ones self
And with confidence declare your state of perfect mental health
Will it be quick, will I suffer or just fall asleep?
These are the thoughts in my head that I keep
I’ve tried to be calm I’ve tried to force a smile
I figure it to be best if I go out in style
Will there finally be tranquility when you find me dead?
For there’s way too many voices inside of my head
No matter what I seem to try, inside I still feel hollow
I’ve taken all the pills, that any man could swallow
I slowly start to realize that my intentions were the best
Now would you take this broken man and lay him to down to rest?
It just takes too much, to get through a day
But soon I will deteriorate and quickly fade away
I struggle for acceptance and I wrestle daily with this thought
As the years slip by with all the silly things we’re taught
I broke the drum I banged so hard but the music played along
Tell me, will there be music for me when I’m gone?
I have the right to wonder, it’s still one right that I keep
But the tide it got too high and the water much too deep
The world just got too busy so I closed off every door
My intellect began to fade, I can’t take this anymore
A recipe for hate mixed with too many voices
I know that you must think I have so many choices
I’ve tried to garner all my feelings, every minute, everyday
But just look at the battle, you have won in every way
I’m heading down a spiral, too much for me to handle
I’ve burned up all the books and every single candle
I gave you my heart, my soul and my pride
But above all of that, to you I never lied
Tempting fate and cheating death, no one could ever tell me
I stayed out late and lost my breath, now mistakes are all I can see
I abused my body, it just felt right at the time
I made up excuses, and ignored every sign
Sometimes a blank stare is really all that’s there
So tell me who it was who said that life was fair?
I drag myself to the door knowing that I’ll stay inside
I lay myself on the floor cause it’s there I like to hide
Is it the dream that one day you might be something you’re not?
Is it the past that makes you shake with everything you’ve got!?
My heart is black and makes me want to live without
When you read this I’ll be gone, for sure, without a doubt
For all that’s holy please forgive me for what I’m about to do
Discard my ashes and please know that I was only thinking about you...
Drown me slowly and believe the words I write
Cause it’s been so very long since I was known as right
Tell me what it was I did, to cause you so much hate?
Maybe my mistake was not to temp the hands of fate?
Bury me here among the dead and dance upon my grave
The lines been drawn, the curtains closed nothing left for you to save
Maybe I wasn’t the one that you should marry?
But I’m left with all this shit, too much for me to carry
Don’t be alarmed it’s only just a late night confession
I’m heading for the water to be clean of all transgression
Depressed doesn’t scratch the surface, it’s more than I can deal with
My hearts has grown so small, for I have nothing left to feel with
I apologize to all I’ve hurt, forgive me for my past
I realize that dreams, they don’t come true and if they do they just don’t last
My eyes are swollen shut, there’s not a single tear to shed
I shut my eyes, the only color I can see right now is red
Underneath it all, I’ve come away with complications
Burned by all the rest, some pretty horrid past relations
I can’t believe it’s been so long, I’m disconnected from this place
I can’t believe it’s been so long, since it was I saw your face
Did I try too hard to change you, did you forget to hold my hand?
I’ve left some notes for you to read through, please I hope you’ll understand?
It was never my intention, to make you promise to stay true
But everywhere I look reminds me just too much of you
I tripped and got up and then into a hole I fell
I may not go to heaven but I hope you go to hell
Practice what you preach, shit you can preach with the best
Confusion in your eyes, tell me from all the rest
Your beliefs have washed upon the shore
Hoping that there’s something more
I broke the rules and I showed you my hand
Kicked the soapbox from under where you stand
It was more than a dream it was all in real time
But for a little while it seemed that you were all mine
Now I’m just a distant memory, do you even look back?
My intelligence is something for which I always lack
I’d climb the highest hill just to look into your eyes
I’d reach across the ocean to take back the lies
I woke up disappointed that my lungs they still had air
I went to sleep the night before without a single care
I understand the ill constraint that was left for me to face
But if darkness holds the key, then sunshine has no place