deepundergroundpoetry.com

Having perfectionistic anxiety

One of my worst fears is that the work I post here is absolutely useless.

Like honestly, I only post English song lyrics to the tune of songs of different languages.

At first, it honestly felt like plagiarism, even though these lyrics are actually all mine and based off of my own feelings. Also, I never take credit for the songs I post, just the lyrics--on every single post, I do this.

However, it's extremely hard for my anxiety not to pop up and paint everything in a dark light, just so that I end up of hating my work and the effort I put into it.

I feel like each time I post something creative, it kills me just a little bit more inside.

Let me just put this off my chest right now:

Part of me absolutely hates what I post. And, it goes beyond just viewing my work as plagiarism, sometimes I feel that the content is absolute shit. The only thing that keeps this part of me posting is the social approval I get from the views you see at the bottom of my poems.

Honestly, for the longest time, I just wanted to make a poem that is perfect enough so that I can be accepted and loved.

As you can guess, haha, yeah I'm not a very "socially outgoing" person.

Ironically, I believe being creative out of fear for social approval is one of the worst things you can do to your self-esteem. Though, I just can't help but keep looking at those numbers at the bottom, seeing if they will go up, seeing if more and more people will accept me.

This is definitely a case where my mind is fighting with itself, and it hurts every single fucking day.

I just want this to go away so I can post without this fear within me.

How can I love myself enough to post and still control my nervousness?

I have absolutely no idea...I've been posting on a separate account since 2 years ago, and on this one since 1 year ago...but this still bothers me every single time I post something.

I want to feel accepted so much by others...but how, if I can't even accept myself?

How can I start to accept myself? I honestly don't know how...

Living with anxiety, depression, perfectionism, the trifecta of all black holes in my mind, absolutely fucking sucks.

Anyways, just wanted to get this out of the way. It feels better to vent, even with strangers on the internet, haha.
Written by ohmy_engrish (^-^)
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