deepundergroundpoetry.com
Exploding in Revelations
It was with good intentions when a friend shared the truth
For my mind and marriage to walk in the light
But this "divine intervention" had the opposite effect on me
The seed of anger and self loathe grew slowly
Boiling in the depths
And during the confessions I felt my heart stop for a second
Then it started running faster than I had ran before
My soul went cold and my mind went numb
Putting the puzzle pieces together
Making sense and exploding in revelations
Perhaps it was because the immature me who was never ready
Found an excuse
I was done with the abuse
And I could use this opportunity to justify my means
I’d lost faith but I’d continue like a hypocrite
It was with a lie that I said that I forgave right then and there
When it came automatically from my lips
But my heart, betrayed and deceived
I thought I believed I had grown as person
But I hadn’t
My faith was shaken when after admissions
My devious old self returned and started plotting
For my mind and marriage to walk in the light
But this "divine intervention" had the opposite effect on me
The seed of anger and self loathe grew slowly
Boiling in the depths
And during the confessions I felt my heart stop for a second
Then it started running faster than I had ran before
My soul went cold and my mind went numb
Putting the puzzle pieces together
Making sense and exploding in revelations
Perhaps it was because the immature me who was never ready
Found an excuse
I was done with the abuse
And I could use this opportunity to justify my means
I’d lost faith but I’d continue like a hypocrite
It was with a lie that I said that I forgave right then and there
When it came automatically from my lips
But my heart, betrayed and deceived
I thought I believed I had grown as person
But I hadn’t
My faith was shaken when after admissions
My devious old self returned and started plotting
Published 25th Jun 2020
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likes 9
reading list entries 4
comments 15
reads 472
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The author encourages honest critique.
25th Jun 2020 5:15pm
you know dearest Wally we just have to be ourselves
like say for instance I can't go to church because I can't our creator there
I can't praise him because it seems false for show for others there...
my heart rejoices in nature there I find him...
I'm still dark but I can't deny my spiritual side it's truth too...
you need to be you...
great write my apologies at going on but that's what your write inspired in me...
love Brenda ❤
like say for instance I can't go to church because I can't our creator there
I can't praise him because it seems false for show for others there...
my heart rejoices in nature there I find him...
I'm still dark but I can't deny my spiritual side it's truth too...
you need to be you...
great write my apologies at going on but that's what your write inspired in me...
love Brenda ❤
26th Jun 2020 4:53pm
Thank you Brenda for your awesome comment (and no need to apologize)
It's a hell of a thing to feel conflicted in a place of worship when we knew what's truly in our heart. Little by little I began to see things in a different light. In a sense, we're all spiritual beings connected through this universe and to a higher power.
It's a hell of a thing to feel conflicted in a place of worship when we knew what's truly in our heart. Little by little I began to see things in a different light. In a sense, we're all spiritual beings connected through this universe and to a higher power.
25th Jun 2020 6:36pm
26th Jun 2020 4:54pm
Thanks Jen (and thank you for adding to your Reading List).
It's one of those things that with every write, I discover something more about myself when I reflect.
It's one of those things that with every write, I discover something more about myself when I reflect.
25th Jun 2020 6:40pm
I had a sense of Bogart in a trenchcoat with a cigarrette talking to the camera.
26th Jun 2020 00:59am
26th Jun 2020 4:55pm
26th Jun 2020 1:02am
Wally, we are always going to be tested; don't believe the bullshit you hear pushing around in your head; listen to your heart. . .
Annnd. . .if you have listened to your head afterward, well, your heart is still beating, right? As long as there's breath there's hope; as long as there's hope there's a heart beating. . .
Annnd. . .if you have listened to your head afterward, well, your heart is still beating, right? As long as there's breath there's hope; as long as there's hope there's a heart beating. . .
26th Jun 2020 5:00pm
Dear Ahavati, you've said something that I'm trying to instill in my boys now that they're teenagers, "listen to your hearts".
You can't believe the times I've gone over it in my head thinking what life would've been like had a chosen a different path (parallel universes, etc.), but there's no sense in tormenting myself with the what ifs. It's best to forgive (myself) move on, reflect and be thankful.
I won't say I'm enlightened or all Zen, but you're right, my heart is beating still.
You can't believe the times I've gone over it in my head thinking what life would've been like had a chosen a different path (parallel universes, etc.), but there's no sense in tormenting myself with the what ifs. It's best to forgive (myself) move on, reflect and be thankful.
I won't say I'm enlightened or all Zen, but you're right, my heart is beating still.
26th Jun 2020 12:54pm
Read twice
Gave me chills the second time
There's so much here
Blows me away
Pathos
Courage
Like
Gave me chills the second time
There's so much here
Blows me away
Pathos
Courage
Like
26th Jun 2020 5:05pm
Thanks Poet (and for adding to your RL).
It's a strange thing when a man changes his views on faith, sees the world from a higher floor, only to realize the building has 100 stories and I'm barely on the second floor.
It's a strange thing when a man changes his views on faith, sees the world from a higher floor, only to realize the building has 100 stories and I'm barely on the second floor.
30th Jun 2020 7:51am
Dear W,
Piecing this write together I have stumbled upon a common thread. How can being betrayed by a spouse be survived and how could being abandoned by god in this earthly betrayal not be a second massive stab in the back and heart? It’s an ugly conundrum. Forgiving oneself is a step I’ve found having to be done at least 1,000 times daily. Everything is shaken to its core. The ground you walk on, the air you breath, the life you lead the god you turned to for solace. In shambles. I admire your response to PS “the building has 100 stories and I'm barely on the second floor.” don’t be suprised when you get to the 99th floor you realize another 100 have been added. Raw, bold and full of truth in this piece. I understand what it took to pen.
H🌷
Piecing this write together I have stumbled upon a common thread. How can being betrayed by a spouse be survived and how could being abandoned by god in this earthly betrayal not be a second massive stab in the back and heart? It’s an ugly conundrum. Forgiving oneself is a step I’ve found having to be done at least 1,000 times daily. Everything is shaken to its core. The ground you walk on, the air you breath, the life you lead the god you turned to for solace. In shambles. I admire your response to PS “the building has 100 stories and I'm barely on the second floor.” don’t be suprised when you get to the 99th floor you realize another 100 have been added. Raw, bold and full of truth in this piece. I understand what it took to pen.
H🌷
30th Jun 2020 3:20pm
Thank you Honoria for your comment. It's been over 20 some years and looking back I see how those events lead me to the path I chose. I strive to take responsibility for choices and actions but it didn't dawn on me then that someone would break my heart and trust, I forgot we're human and make mistakes too. I was just so wrapped up in anger I didn't fully comprehend. Either way, it's been a long road since.
Thank you for adding to your RL.
Thank you for adding to your RL.
2nd Jul 2020 4:41am
I know what you mean about the heart being hard to convince of forgiveness, it doesn't always feel right. It takes a sober approach to forgive and that can feel like hypocrasy, no wonder the mind starts plotting at that point. Sometimes I wonder if there is any true forgiveness or is it just us trying to be civilized. It seems a house of cards these days. Nice entry, good luck in the comp :)
2nd Jul 2020 3:04pm
Thank you PR, it really does take a lot of love and patience to forgive, then understanding whether that bond is strong enough to keep it all together. Over the years I realized and admitted my mistakes, then I understood myself a little better.
