deepundergroundpoetry.com
A LOOK IN WORDS
A LOOK IN WORDS
A child stood near a plush sweet shop.
He was too poor and in ragged clothes.
He looked at the cakes shown inside
with eyes that damned the heartless men.
His eyes first cursed his parents who
had brought a pauper to the world.
They thought of selves, who needed aids
to get what they had never bought.
He abhorred those who came to buy
and did not see that little boy,
whose satisfaction was to dream
of the great tastes the cakes supplied.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
A child stood near a plush sweet shop.
He was too poor and in ragged clothes.
He looked at the cakes shown inside
with eyes that damned the heartless men.
His eyes first cursed his parents who
had brought a pauper to the world.
They thought of selves, who needed aids
to get what they had never bought.
He abhorred those who came to buy
and did not see that little boy,
whose satisfaction was to dream
of the great tastes the cakes supplied.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 24th Jun 2020
| Edited 25th Jun 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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You've got to be joking.
To say that someone was "too poor" without saying too poor for what or completing the comparison is a solecism.
Are you saying that those who own the shop are "the" heartless men that the child damns? What indicates that they are "heartless"? And your deixis here raises the question of which heartless men are you talking about.
And what's with saying that the child's parents brought a miser into the world? A miser (someone who is not generous and does not like spending money -- so Longman; a mean grasping person especially one who is extremely stingy with money -- so MW) is NOT someone who is (too) poor and who is starving, let alone raised by selfish parents.
And what's with the claim that the desire that the little boy had for cakes was satisfied by **dreaming** about their taste?
Another pointless, all tell, no show, metically clunky, confused description of an event that has no power to draw a reader into an experience. If you were trying to create pity or empathy for a starving child, you haven't done so.
And what this piece deals with is not a look in words, since the child does not speak. It's words within a look/what is expressed in the particular way a child looks at something.
Cue the response that what I say about this piece has nothing to do with the poor way this piece is written but is due to my lacking "poetic" imagination (whatever that is).
P.S. I see that you have changed the description of the person that particular parents brought into the world from "miser" to "pauper". How interesting! It is an admission on your part that you do sometimes use the wrong words when you write, given what you are trying to say, and that therefore you DO sometimes write poorly?
To say that someone was "too poor" without saying too poor for what or completing the comparison is a solecism.
Are you saying that those who own the shop are "the" heartless men that the child damns? What indicates that they are "heartless"? And your deixis here raises the question of which heartless men are you talking about.
And what's with saying that the child's parents brought a miser into the world? A miser (someone who is not generous and does not like spending money -- so Longman; a mean grasping person especially one who is extremely stingy with money -- so MW) is NOT someone who is (too) poor and who is starving, let alone raised by selfish parents.
And what's with the claim that the desire that the little boy had for cakes was satisfied by **dreaming** about their taste?
Another pointless, all tell, no show, metically clunky, confused description of an event that has no power to draw a reader into an experience. If you were trying to create pity or empathy for a starving child, you haven't done so.
And what this piece deals with is not a look in words, since the child does not speak. It's words within a look/what is expressed in the particular way a child looks at something.
Cue the response that what I say about this piece has nothing to do with the poor way this piece is written but is due to my lacking "poetic" imagination (whatever that is).
P.S. I see that you have changed the description of the person that particular parents brought into the world from "miser" to "pauper". How interesting! It is an admission on your part that you do sometimes use the wrong words when you write, given what you are trying to say, and that therefore you DO sometimes write poorly?
25th Jun 2020 10:17pm
A famished boy stared hungrily
at cakes displayed upon
the shelves inside a bakery.
He was too poor to even buy
the smallest slice of them.
And when he asked the owner of the store
if he might sample just their crumbs,
how quickly he was “shown the door”!
.
So he was left unsatisfied
with only dreams of what the flavour of a cake
might leave upon his tongue
and cursed his fate and his apparent foodless destiny
for being brought into the world
by parents who themselves were always strung
in penury.
at cakes displayed upon
the shelves inside a bakery.
He was too poor to even buy
the smallest slice of them.
And when he asked the owner of the store
if he might sample just their crumbs,
how quickly he was “shown the door”!
.
So he was left unsatisfied
with only dreams of what the flavour of a cake
might leave upon his tongue
and cursed his fate and his apparent foodless destiny
for being brought into the world
by parents who themselves were always strung
in penury.
