deepundergroundpoetry.com

Dad, I wish you loved me like your job

Dad you will always be an example for me
You showed me how to work very hard for what you want
To never give up or accept anything as impossible
Your strength and intelligence always amazed me
How everyone respected and counted on you at work
You provided so many of the things a person needs
A house, food, security, and I will be forever grateful
Also the opportunity to live in another country,
which at first was very difficult and I was bullied and
picked on a lot for being American but  
it offered me the opportunity to experience  
things I never would have been able to otherwise
 
I know life is difficult and nothing is perfect
but I wish you would have prioritized me a little  
I felt like your work was all that mattered to you
When I was a little girl I would talk about
you with such pride because of your accomplishments
but really that was my only way to feel like I knew you
Your job is very important and they called you day and night
but you missed almost all my events and I was very sad
Eventually my eyes stopped welling up with tears
because I did not see you there and I just wanted
to spend more time with you but you were not there
I needed you to be proud of me, I worked so hard
I was in the most advanced classes and you did not seem  
impressed. But really you just did not have time to care
There was always the next priority at work to deal with
 
When we came back to the United States I remember  
Mom having to meet with the school because I was  
spelling and doing things the British way and they were taking  
points off my grade. The education systems are completely
different  but I adjusted back quickly and they put me in University
classes in high school and it was hard and scary to be so
young in that environment while also adjusting back
to life in the United States and I wanted so badly for you
to see and be proud of my accomplishments
 
Years pass quickly and I grew up desperately wanting my dad
to notice me, to be proud of me, part of me dying inside
I thought I was not good enough for your attention or respect
And I found myself wishing that I worked for you so I could
prove to you that I was worth your time but even in those
thoughts I was terrified I would let you down
I feel like maybe I would feel better about myself
and I would think more of myself if you had been proud
I know maybe that's not fair and I own my faults  
I have made many mistakes and am far from perfect,  
and I can be introverted and not confident but I try
to always do my best and I work very hard like you
I give everything and they rely on me so much
 
Life is in a hurry and all around everyone is busy
but I needed to be your priority just a little of the time
I will never forget your words and guidance
You will always be my father and I love you
Life is not easy and so sweet as we would like it to be
I understand everything, but it's hard to think of
a childhood where I just wanted my Dad to spend time with me
I remember your words that everything is possible
but I felt like it was not possible to have a Dad who was present
I know I was not planned and I felt like a mistake and burden  
for you, like I was holding you back and in the way,
and sometimes that made me just want to disappear
 
When you left Mom and I, I was so upset but then
I realized that not much changed for me
Mom was still there for me and I was there for her
And you were not there so it stopped mattering, on the surface
But still I felt like it was my fault and I took Mom's
smile away because she has never been the same after that
I had to take care of Mom when she was sick and I needed you
so much but you moved away from us and now that she  
is sick again I just feel myself falling apart inside
I have so much to do and I just want to hide and cry
I don't feel happiness, just anxiety and urgency
My relationship is also suffering from my cracks
The one lifeline I thought I had in all this
And there is no one to help me and I don't want to  
be a burden for anyone, I feel so isolated and alone
But I try to keep up appearances because I have to
And I put my head down and work harder and harder
because that is the only time I feel I add value
 
I hope that one day you will hug me tight and tell me
you want to make me a priority in your life
But I will always love you even if I don't matter much
Written by KristinaX
Published
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