Life Is A Struggle Some Days

I act like I’m fine.
I act like I don’t care.
I act like I’m stronger than I am.
Because I am afraid.
I’m afraid to break into a million little pieces.
I told myself I was done with crying but now that all I want to do.
I hate how I push people away.
I hate how I don’t get a graduation or even a cap and gown.
I hate how I have no one to celebrate with.
I hate how lonely I feel.
I hate how each day goes by and I feel even worse.
I’m exhausted with always feeling like shit and sad and angry and lonely.
I wish I didn’t have feelings.
I wish I didn’t have to escape into books just to be happy.
I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to do that.
I took for granted the friendships I had and now I have nothing.
I want my best friend back.
I want my happy family back.
I want the last four years of my life back.
I wish my great grandmother never died from Alzheimer’s.
I wish my parents didn’t fight.
I wish my dad never got run off the road.
I wish I didn’t have anxiety.
I wish this pandemic didn’t take away my graduation.
I wish I didn’t wish for so much.
But I’m hurting a lot right now.
And I don’t know what to do.