I've realized so much in the past few weeks,
From the time I reached eighteen, it was like living in the Matrix,
I was still acting as if I were a child,
I was not doing anything wild,
But that was just it...I did nothing.
Homework, video games, reading, writing, drawing,
Then, just video games, reading, writing, and drawing,
From responsibility, I was running.
I realized and denied my need to be more responsible, so fast,
I realized without realizing, the changes my brain was making so fast,
I delayed my need to make my own decisions,
Then I wanted to, and somewhat started to, make my own decisions,
What I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, what game I would play,
But this is not a good game to play.
Wanting to do my own thing, and yet reluctant to give up the being taken places,
Instead of the taking others or myself to places,
Reluctant to decide between many things, and just asking what others wanted to do
Or tell them it's whatever they wanted or wanted to do.
Now I am being thrusted into getting another job, going back to college, and learning how to drive....
And it's all my fault I'm taking this nosedive
Right off into the deep end,
Feeling pain to no end.
If I had just started to grow up and mature when I needed to,
I wouldn't be so reluctant to go.
And the saddest part is during this, I fell for the best human being in all of existance,
And have not even been the kind of person with which he would ever want to share his existence.
...I'm going to change all that,
I'm going to learn to drive, get another job, work towards living on my own, go back to college, come out to my family as a bisexual pagan man, and all that.
Realizing I'm about to go through such pain,
Talking to more people, just to gain
More experiences to share, and to better my life,
And that I am about to get myself out there in the world, with more of a chance to find you, fills me with strife,
A fight between the bad that I know will pass, but I worry will forever lurk in the background,
And the good that I know is about to come my way, it's very bittersweet I've found.
I am so very ashamed of myself for not growing up sooner.