uno and monopoly

it was on a friend's birthday dinner
i hadnt seen you in a long time
and i convinced myself
that you somehow forgot
about my existence

we sat on the floor
the four of us
a sloppy circle
your body right across mine

a deck between us
and ice cream
and drinks
and seemingly the universe

we played games
i wanted to win
i wanted you to win more
but what i wanted most was you

you see, you cannot comprehend
how your smile makes me more anxious
than standing on this stage
sharing with the audience my secrets

you cannot fathom
how your laugh reaches into my soul
holds its hand and begins to journey
to who knows where

you cannot even try to grasp
how your mere presence
is injecting my blood stream
with a priceless drug: euphoria


10 o clock
you had to leave
and i hoped to see you again
sooner this time

because when you left
with new dirt on your shoes
you brought with you
my heart, cliche

and that very same night
i wondered
when your smile
would no longer make me feel anxious

when it would ease the demons
i cannot defeat
and would welcome me
like home

i wondered
where in this world
your laugh
would take me

perhaps your destination
does not exist
and you just wanted to venture,
to take me with you

i wondered
if i ever would be sober
as i am addicted
to a drug that is you

if i ever would not long
to be close
and to belong
in your arms


i think about a lot of things,
even when i dont want
to think about my thoughts,
i think about how im still thinking about my thoughts

and i think about you
because youre sad
because she's sad
and now im sad

and i think about
how you drink away the hurt
only to vomit your sanctuary
and have it all come back again

and i think about
what you said,
if you really
meant it

and tonight i wonder
if the only time you'll say what you said
is when youre drunk
and not mine