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"1,000 judging eyes"

My point of view of life has changed numerous times over the years,
Although it was forever changed a year ago when I was forced to face one of my biggest fears.
 
My little sister was graduating Highschool,
I missed several events and achievements that she made because of my fear and It makes me a fool.
 
I told myself this is one thing I refuse to miss no matter how intense the fear starts to become,
I convinvced myself that I was doing it for her, but for me it was something I needed to overcome.
 
I had nightmares everynight for a week,
I was so overwhelmed with anxiety at times I could barely speak.
 
I hadn't been to that school in nearly 6 years and yet I continued to allow it to fuel the fire of fear inside of me,
I was sitting in the parking lot as my heart rate started to soar I was thinking of every exscuse to flea.
 
I got out of the car, took a deep breath and headed to the entrance,
It wasn't a fear that history would repeat itself, It was the pain of rememberance.
 
As soon as my hand hit the door handle it was like a surge of electrifying memories flooded my entire body,
I wanted someone to reach out to me just one human touch from anybody.  
 
If I couldn't feel my heart beating I could've swore I was nothing more than a walking vessel,
It felt like my soul left my body and my morals and fears started to wrestle.
 
Despite all of this happening in my head I continued towards the gym where the ceromony would take place,
It was already filled with people and it felt like the oxygen decreased and theres was no space.  
 
I headed towards the bleachers to find a place to sit,  
I noticed an old friend and I went for the spot but they said they were saving it.  
 
I wanted to run away and cry,
Dig my own grave and die.
 
Instead I found an open seat in the back of the room,
I felt like 1,000 judging eyes were on me and under them 500 mouths whispering words of critisisum I started to assume.
 
After the ceremony ended I hugged my sister and headed to my car,
The walk felt like miles the distance felt so far.  
 
When I got into my car like a volcano everythinh errupted at a rapid pace,
I know now just how much my mind was corrupted by this place.
 
I finally see that they never had the power over me at least not until I gave it to them,
I gave them so much power that It made me numb.  
TrueLover
Written by TrueLover (Meganne)
Published | Edited 29th May 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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