deepundergroundpoetry.com

A secret no more part 1 of many

This isn't a poem. It isn't a song. It's my words and my thoughts. I am exhausted but yet wide awake. No peace and no bliss because I'm fighting my own self inside. I can't break my reality. I can't change what is true. The past it affects me. The future I can barely even see. See smiles create love but pain is just like rain. When it rains, it pours. And when you cry, you can not stop. We all have our demons. Some were defeated. Some are stronger. And yet some are the same. Because I am my demon. My issues are unfortunate but my mind won't let me out. I'm not depressed nor miserable. I just don't have a hope in anything going well. I expect disaster and when it happens, it all hits at once. But sometimes it goes well, and those times I have no idea what to do. You fight your emotions for so long. They begin to then hurt you. Because the past can affect you and those you know and cause life to never get better. That's why I write. Not to show off or because I think I'm amazing but because I enjoy it just like a lot of you probably do. My problem is I don't smile. I haven't for years. I don't cry. I don't yell. Because i don't care. Because after a while you start thinking about your life. Your troubles and the trauma. Everything that affected you. It's hard to let go and it's even harder to forget. But even so I must move on even with no road to take. I'm not a special person with a genius intellect, or rich, or really anything. Just a guy with his own thoughts in his mind. The fear is there because I fear everything. Disappointment for others, failure, success, and most of all, I fear being happy because once I think I'm okay, I'm afraid I will fall. So instead I hide. But I don't hide. No, I lie. I keep secrets deep within. I am barely holding on but yet I can't find a way to let myself find a way out. I hear a voice telling me what I did wrong and I can't remember what I did right. That's me. A trapped person inside a fortress. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I just gave up. Because I fought to be recognized and I never was by others. Not because of what I did but who I am. A small skinny guy with little power behind him. But I have will and I dig deep. But the truth is the world isn't looking for me rn. I am still looking for myself actually. Because even in this drawn out write I still have no idea who I am. So all I can do is think and hope one day to find some relief. I'm not looking for tears nor pity. I just want to be understood. But I can't relate to anyone so therefore I stay away from others and think. Books were my escape and sports were the only social thing I had. That was me but yet none of it was real. I was engrossed with fiction and couldn't realize there is no fairytale. I always wanted superspeed. To be the flash. But that's not logical. I wanted to be not known but have meaning. That's what I search for. Those who find it are lucky. For me, I'm still looking. I'm not suicidal and I'm not insane. I haven't harmed my own life at all except by doing nothing. I destroyed hope before it began as I felt safer in a box. Now I realize I want more but the truth is that I can't explain my soul or heart. All I can do is hope for better. So I decided to say this as it was all in one thought. Because I myself don't have a name. But one day, I might find a place to call home. This was thoughts and feelings. And I hope it can help someone out somehow but I'm not a perfect man. I'm just the guy who wished he was.
Written by CosiestPrism273 (Jordan Kunkel)
Published
Author's Note
This was some emotions I have held in a lot of my life. I was always kind of ignored and I thought sharing it might help me or even someone else.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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