Take me back to 2004

Authors Note: This poem contains references to self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, sex and sexual assault, so if it's not your kind of read, don't read it. - Indie

Take me back to 2004
When I didn’t want this life anymore
Where I cared too much about getting high
And not enough about living life
 
It was all about the latest escape  
As though I could forget I’d ever been raped
Cut the skin so I could watch it bleed
Drink myself stupid and smoke too much weed
 
And the reflection in the mirror, it might be me  
But I’m so wasted I can’t quite see  
And I don’t know what I’m doing here  
Drinking it up so I can forget the fear  
 
Because we’re all just a bunch of whores
Totally fucked up and beyond bored
With a life that scars from the inside out  
And no one’s there to allay our doubts
 
‘Cause sex never leads to love  
And it’s never quite enough
To feel like I’m alive  
When in these vices I only hide
 
And I want to say I would take it back  
Pretend like those days weren’t hazy and black  
Pretend like they never happened at all  
And my fists weren’t bruised from punching walls  
 
But now, I don’t know who I’d be
If those people had never fucked with me  
‘Cause those days are gone  
And a part of me feels like I’ve won  
 
‘Cause I’m still alive  
And God knows I survived
All my self-destructive ways
To still be alive today  
 
So take me back to 2004
When I didn’t want this life anymore
‘Cause sometimes I need those memories
To remind me of all the things that didn’t kill me  
 
Indie Adams 2012