Thanks Mom: Part II
To understand me,
You must understand her.
Two opposing paths, fatefully intertwined.
For so much of who I am,
Is based on what she wasnít. †
his baby girl.
What better way to show favor,
than teach your daughter to
shoot heroin into her veins, at 13? †
Sign of love in that world, I guess.
Who am I kidding? †
He sealed both our fates that day. †
Sending her down a dark and dreary path to her own demise.
Leaving me, navigating life without a motherís love and guidance...
Neglect and abandonment.
Feeling deserted, fostering inadequacy.
Exposed to ceaseless competition with drugs, accustomed to defeat. †
Nurturing a soul crushing belief that ĎI am unworthy of loveí.
Morphing into pillars of my identity. †
Yielding a childhood of intangibly chasing perfection, straining to meet impossible expectations, petrified of failure. †
Cultivating crippling insecurity, incessant need of approval, dreading disappointing others. †
Self Appointed, toughest critic. †
She fell victim to lifeís circumstances, I refused...
Tenacious determination to forge a different path. †
My adolescent rebellion? Not to be them. †
Countering carelessness with extreme carefulness.
Avoiding risk, self governed by suffocating rules, obsessively demanding self-control. †
Unable to control the dysfunction around me, retreating inward, avoiding influence from outside forces.
I remained guarded, finding myself most comfortable in isolation. †
Maintaining physical and and emotional distance, prayerfully seeking invisibility. †
Uncomfortable with affection, attention. †
Pushing others away, diligently avoiding love. †
Despising sympathy, appalled by pity. †
Refusing to accept help, woeful of dependence on others. †
Determined to prove I would rise above,
through my own volition. †
Mostly driven out of core conviction that everyone leaves, eventually. †
Recognizing my own contrasting dysfunction, †
I sought out on a quest for deeper understanding. †
Acquiring education about addiction and listening to brave warriors sharing stories of battling their own afflictions. †
Understanding paved the path to forgiveness,
Allowing me to break the bonds of trauma, †
Ultimately, providing freedom from my pain.
I saw the world through your eyes, †
and it forever changed mine...
Knowing that, when you looked into my eyes, all you saw †
...was a lifetime of regret. †
Dancing inside were fragments of your pain, glimpses of failures, mistakes made, time missed, and memories lost. †
Having to face that everyday was unbearable, †
no amount of reassurance would ever ease your pain. †
And the beast of addiction wins again.
Because the worse you felt, †
the more you needed to escape.
the only constant in your life, †
your †only source of comfort. †
A hamster wheel you would never escape...
I owe you more credit than I ever gave you. †
By walking away, being content with playing a minimal role in my life,
You gave me the ultimate †gift: †
A chance. †
A lifeline out of the dysfunction. †
An opportunity for a better life. †
Something never given to you.
We both know your motives were selfish and fueled by crippling shame, †
But I choose to believe, a part of you knew, †you would never be free...
It would have been more selfish, †
to hold on tightly †
and drag me down with you. †
So thank you for giving me life,
the greatest gift you can ever give...
not once, but twice! †
Losing you was different, †
You canít lose something that was never yours to begin with. †
Your belonged to the drug
And I never knew you sober.
I had mourned the loss of you my entire life. †
You were my first heartbreak, long before any boy ever had a chance. †
Leaving me with wounds that will invariably, still bleed. †
But your legacy lives on in me. †
You may have lost your battle, †
But I share our story to gives those still struggling, a fighting chance. †
Donít surrender to the addiction. †
Freedom is found through openness to forgiveness and self compassion. †
As long as you have breathe,
You have a choice. †
Choose love over drugs. †